My job can be tough. I think the public knows that about nursing in general. The hours. Being on your feet. Having to work weekends. Having to wake up in ungodly hours of the morning. Being crazy busy for 8 to 12 hours. yeah, yeah, yeah that stuff is hard. But not the hardest. The hardest part is the continual emotional energy you give out. You realize at work that beyond your task of duties {dressing changes, IV fluids, medications, pulling out drains, charting, doctor & family calls, assessments and teaching} you are inherently called to care for your patients. To care for their spiritual and emotional needs. T be available to listen. To be aware of their grief, loss, fear, anxiety and the unknown.
To be honest, many days I feel like I failed my patients. Oh I did all my work. I did all my charting. But was I able to take the time to BE with them? did I spend enough time talking with their family? was I gentle and kind enough? That is the weight of the burden. It is the drain I feel when I come home. My body can handle the physical exhaustion, but my heart can't. I have learned to lower my expectations, and make the most of the moments I can. I don't have just one patient. Most days I have four. Sometimes my day has to be just task oriented, and that's ok. But I have to make time to be there if they really need it. Its why I went into nursing, and its what I would want for my mother, father or husband if they were in the hospital.
So last night I entered my patients room who had cancer, knowing that I had to make the time. She has no immune system (WBC count of 0.4) so I had to wear a gown, gloves and mask when I was in there to protect her from me. I had just spoken to the doctor who shared he was concerned she was going septic (which would be a death sentence for someone with leukopenia) and she was really upset about it. So I went in there and did my nursing thing...assessment, fluids check, IV site check, pain check etc. Then I sat on the edge of her bed, clasped her hand and asked, "I know this must be scary.How are you doing." Then tears just came forth. No words, just tears. I think there was a mutual knowing between us. We knew what was going on. Her body was losing the battle against itself. Those horrible cancer cells were taking over, and at some point she had been exposed to bacteria. Which had gotten into her blood (sepsis). Her blood pressure was continuing to fall, and her temp continuing to rise. So I just sat there. Whispered a prayer and was what we call in nursing a 'therapeutic presence'.
After some time she said she was ok and thanked me for sitting with her. She told me I was kind, and she was grateful. I knew I had to go tend to my other patients so I told her I would be praying and would be back to check on her soon.
But I went and locked myself in the bathroom. And cried.
That's whats hard about being a nurse. You have to make yourself available. You have to go to those deep, down, scary, hard places with people. And its draining. I am thankful for a Jesus who experienced these emotions too. Who can give me His strength and love for His patients, when I can't muster up my own. Who sends me gentle reminders about his beloved children, and how He has placed me in theirs lives for a reason. I can do what I do because I have Him. He is my rock.
I also spent some time evaluating my own life. How badly I want to make a difference and live each day to the fullest. I don't want to put everything off to a more 'convenient' time. Because it may turn out that I might not get that time.
So today I'm grateful for a reminder about living life. I'm grateful for the privileged I am afforded by being invited into painful & private moments. I am grateful for a healthy body. I am grateful for an incredible life I have been given. I am grateful for an incredible profession and skillset. Sometimes it sucks because it is hard and painful. But I love it.
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