A wounded heart

Not many people know this about me, you kind of have to be on the inner circle of my life to recognize it, but I have a secret love for infectious disease. Ever since I can remember I've loved learning about the plague, cholera, and yellow fever. The first time I was in a hospital when I was 6 I was hooked - to me it was a huge playground, filled with the promise of adventure. I loved taking the elevator to different floors, watching all the different kinds of people that were in them. My interest in medicine has never left me, however I am still surprised that I am lucky enough to be studying within the medical field. I have such a love for helping people, getting to love on them and take their pain away. Every day I step into the hospital I am filled with such joy that I get to learn and do the thing that I love. None of my fellow students know this, but on my lunch break I walk through the hallways were the hospice patients are, and I pray over each of the dying with a well of tears in my eyes (I'm surprised one of the nurses there hasn't called me in for a psych consult). I love to go and just sit with them and hold their hands. Each week one is gone, and the bed has been filled by another, but I am thankful that I was able to whisper a prayer for them and hold their hand before they left this earth.

I love when I make a crack into a patients stone heart. I had one older gentleman who was most disgruntled about being in the hospital and was most assuredly sceptical about what I was assessing on him. He tested me with questions, but I prevailed, and by the end of the day he didn't want any one else to care for him. I have to admit, I was proud of my accomplishment.

Although I don't have nearly the amount of years behind me as most nurses and doctors, I'm already starting to struggle with having a wounded heart. I am admittedly thin skinned, and those who know me well remind me I need to get a tougher skin if I'm going to survive. But I don't want to lose my ability to feel, and I DON'T want lose my tenderness. I'm reading a book called, " The woman with the worm in her head & other true stories of infectious disease" By Pamela Nagami, M.D. Its a book filled with clinical infectious disease cases, but Dr. Nagami paints these patients' stories with elegance and respect. Entwined among the stories is the story of Dr. Nagami herself, and her journey with a wounded heart. I've cried throughout this book - moved by the courage of the patients that she treated. I can't imagine how she must have felt actually working with them. This is a paragraph that she wrote that rang true for me. It is in regards to when she had to watch an abortion, and how it was then she discovered her wounded heart -

" Rabbi Yoshua ben Levi came upon Elijah the prophet.. He asked Elijah, "When will the messiah come?" Elijah replied, "Go and ask him yourself." "Where is he?" "Sitting at the gates of the city." "How shall I know him?" " He is sitting with the poor covered with wounds. The others unbind all their wounds at the same time and them bind them up again. But he unbinds one at a time and binds it up again, saying to himself, 'Perhaps I shall be needed: if so I must always be ready so as not to delay for a moment."

I still don't understand the purpose of the suffering I've seen, but I have come to believe that I'm supposed to witness it so I can help the next patient. When I was very young I fled the city gates but I didn't find the Messiah. I came back and learned and healed by wounding, which wounded me. Then one day, all alone in a room full of people, and under glaring lights, I caught a glimpse of God. And God, I saw, was suffering, too."

If you don't understand what she is saying, that's fine. Maybe it will mean something to you in the future, it touches me though and gives me hope.

For those of you who are still searching for direction, and your place in this world, I've come to discover that that information is already inside of you - part of who you are. I've discovered that we as sinful humans don't have the emotional capacity to be passionate about every injustice, to have our hearts break over every sadness and so God places specific passions in us. I started to pay attention to what made me really angry, really sad, really passionate. Some stories would cause my eyes to well up in tears, and others I would just walk away shaking my head. Why was that? What made those stories that made me cry special? Once I started to do that God started to reveal to me in specific ways my direction. Also, often times the things that we love and are good at are part of our "calling" ( I don't really like using that word, but for lack of another it will have to do) because we know that God is a GOOD God. I walk each day with hope for the future, excited at what is ahead of me. I pray that you do also. May you discover the passion within, and journey with your wounded heart.

Mexico...where my soul thrives, my heart aches, and my arms are full of orphans.

I have so many more photos. I posted two albums on facebook. These are a few of my favorite portraits of some of the girls. I had such an incredible time in Mexico, I really do leave my heart there every time. We put a new roof on a soup kitchen, painted a school, and did lots of jobs around the orphanage. I organized a girls event for the older orphan girls, where I rallied some friends and we washed these girls feet and gave them goody bags of hair stuff/chapstick/nail polish etc. I did health check ups on a few of the kids (mostly listened to lungs for asthma issues), spoke at the local church, learned how to make tamales from scratch (my favorite!), and most of all got to love on precious orphans. We had lots of crafts organized - beading, drawing, play dough aswell as flying RC planes, finding stars with telescopes, and dancing. I am looking forward to going on a medical trip in October, aswell as again next year. I am never more at peace than when I am sitting on the ground, holding orphans in my lap, whispering prayers over them as they sleep.

This is Olivia and Elijah. I get to babysit them every friday. I get to wake them up, make dinner for them, buckle them into their car seats and sing with them as we drive to church. And I love it. I love it so much that right now it is the highlight of my week. Getting to rock Eli to sleep, or hear Olivia (she is two) repeat Jon 3:16 to me are some of the most precious moments of my week. I'm going to sound so pathetic saying this and I NEVER thought I would, but I've recently discovered that more than being a Doctor, working with Project Rescue, doing MercyShips, helping Women and Children, owning a house where people can come stay whenever they need, and figuring out how to get clean water for the world...I want my own family! I want to be a mum and get to have lots of my own kids. Eeek, I hope I don't sound super pathetic - I've met other women my age who don't want anything else for their life and just hide in being a soccer mom and I think to myself,'Man I am so glad I have passions, dreams, aspirations and courage to make them happen!" but in a way I understand their desire. Its this crazy feeling getting to speak truth and love into two little lives. I I'm quickly falling in love with it! certainly drive a lot more carefully when they are sitting in my back seat!
...Please don't judge me! :)

Break my heart Lord for the things that break yours

(Photographs by James Newachty)


A mother burying her son in a mass grave

Refugees were plauged with Cholera and buried in mass graves

A victim of famine at a feeding center

An "incurable" in an orphanage in Romania

We live in a very visual age - television, internet, cell phones, advertising, film and photography all grab our senses nearly every hour of our waking day. I believe in the power of photography. I believe in revealing truth, in uncovering lies and manipulation. A photograph reveals truth. It can't be negated (I'm not talking about photoshopped ones).
James Nachtwey is a documentary photographer - considered one of the greatest of the past three decades. I invite you to follow the link below to spend twenty minutes watching what James Nachtwey has had a front row seat to the past thirty years. I hope you feel God break your heart as he does when I watch this. Please take the time. The link is below:

http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/84



In case you don't know, God is very concerned about the poor. If you love Him like you say you do, you should to.
By the way, the pictures above may be of the poor overseas, but the poor live in your own backyard. If you can't love those in your back yard, good luck thinking you will love those when you go on a overseas missions trip. You have the homeless, single mothers, the bruised and battered, the sick and dying, those in prison and people in need just down your street. Open your door and go to them.

Deuteronomy 15:7 “If there is a poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the LORD your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother.”

Deuteronomy 26:12 “When you have finished setting aside a tenth of all your produce in the third year, the year of the tithe, you shall give it to the Levite, the alien, the fatherless and the widow, so that they may eat in your towns and be satisfied.”

Leviticus 19:9-10 “'When you reap the harvest of your land, do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest. Do not go over your vineyard a second time or pick up the grapes that have fallen. Leave them for the poor and the alien. I am the LORD your God.”

Nehemiah 5

Proverbs 31:8 “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.”

Isaiah 1:16-17 “Wash and make yourselves clean. Take your evil deeds out of my sight! Stop doing wrong, learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.”

Isaiah 58:6 “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?”

Jeremiah 22:3 “This is what the LORD says: Do what is just and right. Rescue from the hand of his oppressor the one who has been robbed. Do no wrong or violence to the alien, the fatherless or the widow, and do not shed innocent blood in this place.”

Jeremiah 22:13-17 "Woe to him who builds his palace by unrighteousness, his upper rooms by injustice, making his countrymen work for nothing, not paying them for their labor. He says, ‘I will build myself a great palace with spacious upper rooms.’ So he makes large windows in it, panels it with cedar and decorates it in red. Does it make you a king to have more and more cedar? Did not your father have food and drink? He did what was right and just, so all went well with him. He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?’ declares the LORD. But your eyes and your heart are set only on dishonest gain, on shedding innocent blood and on oppression and extortion."

Matthew 5:42 “Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.”

Luke 3:11 “John answered, ‘the man with two tunics should share with him who has none, and the one who has food should do the same.’"

Luke 12:33 "Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys."

2 Corinthians 9:6-9 “Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. As it is written: ‘He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor; his righteousness endures forever.’"

1 Timothy 6:18 “Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share.”

James 1:27 “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

Doubting in the dark

Do not doubt in the dark what God has shown you to be true in the light.

Ahhh...no other quote has been so influential in my life as of late. It pretty much comes back to haunt me on a regular basis. Why? because I defiently doubt in the dark what God has shown me to be true in the light. And I do it often. Waaaaay too often. My head is so sore at the moment because I feel like God has had to hit me over the head with a two-by-four to get my attention (figuratively speaking ofcourse). Actually, my heart is more sore than anything.
I don't trust God.
eeek.
I do, but in a luke-warm way. So to God I pretty much don't. He is kind of an all-or-nothing guy in case you didn't know.
I've been at a pretty scary place the past few days. I am so scared about my future. I am scared I'm not going to get married and all the wonderful things I want to do will not happen. I feel weak and pathetic. Where is my strength? where is faith? I am swimming in deep deep dark water knowing that a lifeboat is nearby but I'm too scared to get in. What kind of weary, tired soul chooses to stay in the water instead of getting in the boat? The trouble is I know that once I'm in the boat (Jesus is the boat, just so I don't lose you here) I will peer into the water and marvel at how blessed I am that I'm not barely staying afloat. But I am still not able to get into the boat. Maybe its because I'm scared that the boat will take me somewhere I don't want to go, so staying in the water is safer to some extent because at least I know where I am. Whatever it is, I know it is rooted in fear. Fear that God's way will turn out to not actually be the best way, fear that losing control will mean I lose everything I hold dear. I know that is what God asks of us, and that I won't find true freedom untill I do, but man I'm afraid.
But I'm going to do it.
I am going to step out and test the promises God makes. His word says that He has a plan and a purpose for me, that His ways are best, that He will make my paths straight, that He alone I can stand on, that He is my rock and firm foundation, that He has good things in store for me, that He will meet all my needs. I am going to choose to believe, even when I feel lost in the dark and don't feel like God wants those things for me. I so desperatley want them to be true. I so desperatley want to know Him, to walk each and every day in his presence, to hear him so clearly, to be a mover and shaker for him. I yearn for Him and delight in Him so. I want an intimate relationship. I want him to be all I need. I want to be so rooted in His love that I am free of all fear. I don't want to fear the future, and most of all, loneliness.

Jesus, please come through for me. Please.
I am brokenhearted. I know you are close by.
Thankyou for dying for me, you gave up everything you loved to gain my love.
Forgive my constant failure and sin.
I want to know you more.
Allow me to be your bride and be content in it.
I love you.

Cultural Competence

" I like shopping at the Dollar Palace because it is convienent and casual. I don't have to dress up like I would if I was going to Walmart or something." - Quoted from a woman from Williams, Arizona. (it was in a letter to the editor in a newspaper clipping.)

The quote above was shared to my class by my Nursing instructor when we were about to delve into culturally competent care. A great deal of laughter ensued. But then I realized that other people think that way. They think very differently to the way I think and act. Dressing up for Walmart? It would never cross my mind. But thats the problem, it doesn't cross my mind. I don't even know such faux pas exist!
This is something that has been frusrating me lately. I feel like I constantly walk on egg shells with people, because I am afraid what I say or do will offend someone. Where is the line? How much of ourselves do we hold back? How do we repair offending someone over something we genuinely feel shouldn't matter? (Like sitting in the wrong place?). I want to be loving and gracious in all that I do, and I try really hard to do so. But I feel like I constantly fail, not by my standards, but by someone elses. Its exhausting! Am I not culturally competent or something?
In Nursing we learn that cultural competence first starts with understanding what you yourself believe about things. Then, once you understand yourself, you can be carefull not to assume or push your beliefs unknowingly on your patients. However, I know what I feel and believe about things due to the cultures I have grown up in and I try not to assume everyone acts the same way. But its still not working!
As a result I feel like I'm being fake with a lot of people, instead of being real and honest like I want to be. I feel like I am "too much" - too much personality, too loud, too opinionated, too girly. Maybe its just because the people I am around are much more reserved. I don't know. But I do know that I feel like I am on the verge of burn out with people, something I have never really experienced before.

(p.s. I know the picture is random but it was taken in Mexico, and its a bunch of hands. So it sort of fit.)

A song that ministers to your soul

'Times' by 10th Avenue North is probably the most beautiful song I have ever heard. When I listen to it I feel like I become wrapped in a warm blanket and that only God and I exist. I feel this song captures so beautifully God's love for us, and his deep desire for us. I hope God speaks to you as listen to it as he always does with me.

Some new fun photos of mine

Marriage Counselling

No, I'm not married yet. And that won't be in my future any time soon, but because of what has happened in my life this past year, I have invested a great deal of time in reading about marriage, praying about marriage, talking to married couples and learning about marriage. I found myself in the most valuable of places a few nights ago on new years eve. Four women, who have all been married for over twenty years came beside me and spent several hours pouring out their words of wisdom into my life. I love and absorb wisdom, so times like these are some of my most favourite in the roller coaster which is life - so I was a most attentive listener and participator. Their advice included things like how hard marriage really is, how they had no doubts, etc etc, it was wonderful. Really it was more encouragement to me, which is something God knew I needed desperatley at the time. Although nothing can really prepare you for marriage, and I am sure I am unable to comment about marriage because I am not married, I feel like all this information is so valuable, and that I won't step into marriage with ignornace like I am sure so many couples do. As a result I feel blessed that my parents have raised me with an appreciation for wisdom and seeking councell, so I seek others input and do not rely on my emotions, movies or friends' advice.
Some books I have read, am reading and hope to read soon are: Saving your Marriage before it starts(read), Love & Respect(soon), Sacred Marriage(read), Cracking the Communication Code(soon), Married Without Masks(reading), Captivating(reading),Beth Moores Study on Jesus (reading), The Purpose Driven Life (reading), Changes that Heal (read), Boy Meets Girl (read/reading)...and ofcourse - the Bible. I love talking about all that I'm learning so shoot me an email if you want to know more.

A life lived in fear is one not fully formed in love

....I love this quote - my sister shared it to me recently when I was having a bit of an anxiety attack. Fear is such an interesting emotion. I feel it, have have no idea where it is coming from or why it is crippling me. God talks a lot about fear in the Bible, I think because he knows how devastating its effect is on our lives. I am fighting and battling fear as of light. I made a really hard decision recently, all the while frought with fear about the consequences my decision could cause, and how blight my future could become. Thats when my sister stepped in with this word for me, and I have repeated it to myself over and over - knowing and trusting that God is a good God, and works everything out for good for those who love him. The more time I spend with the Lord I start to feel the fear in my heart crumbling, and goodness is it a good feeling! I don't ever want to live in fear of things ever again, Jeremiah 29:11, Phillipians 4:8,Proverbs 3:5-6, the Psalms and many other verses have all been a great comfort to me which I am storing in my heart. I want to be fully formed in love...if you have any advice which has helped you to do this please don't hesitate to pass it on.

( The pictures were taken in a small gorgeous little town called Sedona, which is settled among the red rock mountains of Northern Arizona. This is the Chapel of the Holy Cross, a beautiful chapel nestled into the rocks which was a place of comfort to me on a really hard day.)