Do not doubt in the dark what God has shown you to be true in the light.
Ahhh...no other quote has been so influential in my life as of late. It pretty much comes back to haunt me on a regular basis. Why? because I defiently doubt in the dark what God has shown me to be true in the light. And I do it often. Waaaaay too often. My head is so sore at the moment because I feel like God has had to hit me over the head with a two-by-four to get my attention (figuratively speaking ofcourse). Actually, my heart is more sore than anything.
I don't trust God.
eeek.
I do, but in a luke-warm way. So to God I pretty much don't. He is kind of an all-or-nothing guy in case you didn't know.
I've been at a pretty scary place the past few days. I am so scared about my future. I am scared I'm not going to get married and all the wonderful things I want to do will not happen. I feel weak and pathetic. Where is my strength? where is faith? I am swimming in deep deep dark water knowing that a lifeboat is nearby but I'm too scared to get in. What kind of weary, tired soul chooses to stay in the water instead of getting in the boat? The trouble is I know that once I'm in the boat (Jesus is the boat, just so I don't lose you here) I will peer into the water and marvel at how blessed I am that I'm not barely staying afloat. But I am still not able to get into the boat. Maybe its because I'm scared that the boat will take me somewhere I don't want to go, so staying in the water is safer to some extent because at least I know where I am. Whatever it is, I know it is rooted in fear. Fear that God's way will turn out to not actually be the best way, fear that losing control will mean I lose everything I hold dear. I know that is what God asks of us, and that I won't find true freedom untill I do, but man I'm afraid.
But I'm going to do it.
I am going to step out and test the promises God makes. His word says that He has a plan and a purpose for me, that His ways are best, that He will make my paths straight, that He alone I can stand on, that He is my rock and firm foundation, that He has good things in store for me, that He will meet all my needs. I am going to choose to believe, even when I feel lost in the dark and don't feel like God wants those things for me. I so desperatley want them to be true. I so desperatley want to know Him, to walk each and every day in his presence, to hear him so clearly, to be a mover and shaker for him. I yearn for Him and delight in Him so. I want an intimate relationship. I want him to be all I need. I want to be so rooted in His love that I am free of all fear. I don't want to fear the future, and most of all, loneliness.
Jesus, please come through for me. Please.
I am brokenhearted. I know you are close by.
Thankyou for dying for me, you gave up everything you loved to gain my love.
Forgive my constant failure and sin.
I want to know you more.
Allow me to be your bride and be content in it.
I love you.
2 comments:
Amy, dont knock yourself for feeling like this, it's a journey we all go through - its not easy to have a faith in someone you cannot see, physically.
Two things which help me, are the phrase 'think eternally', as well as the song by Shawn McDonald - 'ALL I NEED, is your (gods) love', that is ALLLLLLLLLLLLl we need, we dont need a partner, we dont need our health, family, friends - those are all bonus-es,extras he's blessed us with. I'm saying this, but I needa remind myself of it, every single time the doubt/fear starts...it's still definitely not easy in those dark times, but it helps. We are not on this Earth long - compared with Eternity in heaven. Dont worry about what may never happen. :) I'm trying to build on a closer relationship with Jesus too, we're all in it together.
Dear Amy.Wow, this was something. I can recognize pretty much everything you´ve written. (And btw, you write soo well!)
Wonderful girl, so amazingly created by the Lord of heaven and earth...
Lots of love, Synnøve
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