My thoughts aren't really happy and shiny today. But I need to get them out. For anyone reading this, this isn't meant at anyone directly. Nobody has failed me as a friend. We are who we are, and God directs us all differently. But sometimes I feel really different. I wish I knew someone who was like me, who could encourage me in my path in the ways I didn't know needed encouraging. I think we all have a desire to be known, that somebody out there in the world understands those deep down feelings, the ones that we often can't put into words but so strongly direct us. I have an amazing husband who thankfully is wired very similarly to me....but not exactly. He is a scientist, and his heart beats for getting people clean water and building new infrastructure in developing countries. So, so cool I know - but I wouldn't say he passionately desires to see women be free from morbidities associated from obstetric complications. :)
I am a third culture kid. I have moved countries three times, and have friendships and family flung thousands of miles away. I live far, far away from my family and connected community. I know that heart wrenching pain of saying goodbye, and not knowing when the next hello will be again. My parents were missionaries, as were their parents. I grew up around transient people, whose stories ignited a fire deep within me for the broken, lost and marginalized. I can't fathom living in one place more than ten years - the thought just isn't appealing. I see the world with such different eyes, because I have heard and seen things many people here haven't heard and seen. Life has had really difficult moments for me, in which I have had to deal with decisions and loss alone, as I was far away from loved ones and trusted mentors. I want so much more than to just have a house, a dog and three kids with summers spent at the lake. My dream is to tread into the rural foothills of Nepal, and the jungles of South America, and teach women how to manage labor and deal with complications when they arise. I want to establish programs that encourage breastfeeding, and improve maternal and perinatal health outcomes. I want children too, but I imagine them coming along with me to home visits, and being part of our journey. I see Auckland as our home base, but I know we will be gone frequently as we leave pieces of our hearts in far away corners of the world. These are the dreams I so long to share with a friend who understands. I have lots of beautiful and wonderful girlfriends who encourage me, but none whose hearts beat for the same things. Some just truly want to settle in one place. Go them, I just can't relate. I would love to discuss the WHO's millennium goals with a friend, and brainstorm ways in which we could contribute to their initiatives - or create one's of our own. I am sure once I move more into the area I will meet like-minded people, it would just be nice right now while I am in the decision making process to discuss some of these thoughts!!! Noah has been just amazing...even though I talk about the same things over and over he still listens and asks questions and is willing to discuss everything (even though the outcomes are never different, haha!). I am so glad he understands my heart, and knows how difficult and isolating it can be to be counter-cultural.
So many people I meet are simple...not that that is bad in any way, but our worlds are just so different. I often get, "wow, you have done so much for someone your age...I have never even been outside of Minnesota". During lunch breaks at work, we just talk about what happened during the weekend with the kids, and upcoming vacation plans to Disneyland. These women are amazing and incredible nurses, but this is their life. It is so different to mine. Sometimes its isolating. But, I have a heritage that brings isolation. My parents named me for Amy Carmichael - an English women who spent her life in India, rescuing girls who were given to be temple prostitutes. Her writings talk about feelings of isolation, but she lived a life of fullness. Maybe I will never have a friend exactly like me - thats ok. I have a Father who has placed those dreams in my heart, and He knows. He understands. I can rest in that.
