2012. Can you believe its here? It came here so fast. At the change of the year I always find myself reflecting on my life and revel at the goodness that flows out of it. I don't know if other people did this, but as a kid I thought a lot about what my life would be as a grown up, in my mid-twenties. I even wrote letters to myself, that I had to open later...on my 19th, 21st, 28th and 30th birthdays. Whenever I open one, I laugh at the things that consumed my life as 14, 15 and 17 year old. Isn't it amazing how life changes you? how the people you meet leave an indelible mark?
I was talking with Janet (my awesome therapist mom-in-love) about some of the hard steps I was taking this year to further my dreams and education. I have to take a pretty scary exam, that I feel totally unprepared for. I fear failing it, and the humiliation that it could bring. I also fear succeeding, and all the change that that could bring. Silly huh?
Our conversation brought up two things.
1) Not many people take risks and do the really tough, scary things in life. People who do ( like mwa) need to be encouraged that we are doing something that is challenging and will move us forward. Character and beauty is not shaped by taking the easy, predictable road. We have to have the courage to face the fear, and overcome. Then we will have something to say, to offer people and to inspire.
2) Saying goodbye and making a change involves sadness. Its just a part of life. Sadness will flavor your life, and be an underbelly to the changes that take part in it. Jesus never promised their wouldn't be grief or sadness. But he promised goodness. And peace. When we have to let go of the people we love, we leave pieces of our hearts with them (well, at least I do). There are some days that I am just sick of saying goodbye. When you have precious, treasured people in all parts of the world you constantly feel pulled in a million directions. Sometimes I just want to stay put and never leave, because then I won't have the pain of saying goodbye & those familiar feelings of loss and grief. Thinking about them freezes me up inside. I am cognizant of the fact that I am missing out on memories and the lives of those precious ones. Of the 50th birthdays. The Christmas tree decorating. The lessons learned from marriage. The graduations and weddings. I fear people moving on without me. That when we do reconnect, there will be a void....a nameless distance between us.
C.S. Lewis wrote that "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
Good thing perfect love casts out fear.
...Now to work on the perfect love part.
Janet always encourages me to continue to take steps to be the person I want to be. Beyond being 'who I am', what is the type of person I want to be? Do I want to speak words out of love, and not anger/jealously/resentment/bitterness/fear? Do I want to be brave, and not aim for the mediocre? When I face a choice in my marriage to make a fuss about something small, do I remind myself that I want to be a grace-filled and merciful woman?
In the year 2012 I want to keep taking steps to be the person I want to be. To be Courageous. Empowering. Loving. Graceful. Humble. Creative. Soft Spoken. Motivated. Loving.
I want to add beauty to the lives of my family, friends and husband. In whatever shape beauty can take.
Secretly I hope to get into medical school too. I also hope to have the ability to let that go, and embrace what else God has planned if that doesn't work out.
On a more practical note, meal planning, card making, cupcake cooking, love life spicing and date creating are on the list too :) Henri Nouwen also is taking a front seat on my reading list as 'Wounded Healer' and Christian Leadership are on my drawers, next to my bed.
As such, I leave you with some of his words. May you remember who is the Catcher, and may this year teach you new lessons in reaching out and trusting Him. He will grab you, I promise.
"The Flying Rodleighs are trapeze artists who perform in the German circus Simoneit-Barum. When the circus came to Freiburg two years ago, my friends Franz and Reny invited me and my father to see the show. I will never forget how enraptured I became when I first saw the Rodleighs move through the air, flying and catching as elegant dancers. The next day, I returned to the circus to see them again and introduced myself to them as one of their great fans. They invited me to attend their practice sessions, gave me free tickets, asked me to dinner, and suggested I travel with them for a week in the near future. I did, and we became good friends.
"One day, I was sitting with Rodleigh, the leader of the troupe, in his caravan, talking about flying. He said, 'As a flyer, I must have complete trust in my catcher. The public might think that I am the great star of the trapeze, but the real star is Joe, my catcher. He has to be there for me with split-second precision and grab me out of the air as I come to him in the long jump.' 'How does it work?' I asked. 'The secret,' Rodleigh said, 'is that the flyer does nothing and the catcher does everything. When I fly to Joe, I have simply to stretch out my arms and hands and wait for him to catch me and pull me safely over the apron behind the catchbar.'
" 'You do nothing!' I said, surprised. 'Nothing,' Rodleigh repeated. 'The worst thing the flyer can do is to try to catch the catcher. I am not supposed to catch Joe. It's Joe's task to catch me. If I grabbed Joe's wrists, I might break them, or he might break mine, and that would be the end for both of us. A flyer must fly, and a catcher must catch, and the flyer must trust, with outstretched arms, that his catcher will be there for him.'
"When Rodleigh said this with so much conviction, the words of Jesus flashed through my mind: 'Father into your hands I commend my Spirit.' Dying is trusting in the catcher. To care for the dying is to say, 'Don't be afraid. Remember that you are the beloved child of God. He will be there when you make your long jump. Don't try to grab him; he will grab you. Just stretch out your arms and hands and trust, trust, trust."
