Do you know that I have a 49 page Microsoft word document that I started two years ago, filled with the pro's and con's of medicine vs. nursing vs. midwifery? Crazy, I know. I have copied and pasted countless facebook, email and phone conversations into this document. When Noah first looked at it he was like, "Man you have a tough time making decisions huh?". At first I was hurt, and then I realized...yikes, this is definitely a problem. I was so worried about making the right choice, that I needed to understand how everyone else made the right choice. Hence the conversations with Doctors and Midwives. I was so afraid of living with regrets that I became this information vacuum, trying to gather as much insight as possible. I think that in some aspects, this is a wise thing. We don't want to make a huge decision based on a feeling, but on a solid foundation of input. The Bible talks about seeking input from a council of advisers. And yet in this process I totally forgot about the "God Factor" (as my mum puts it). The fact is, we all make OUR own choices. Trying to understand why another person did what they did doesn't help ME much, because I have different situation and a different background. And even with that being said, God doesn't work in the most logical ways sometimes (or most times!). It might not make sense financially, logistically to do what you are being led to do.
I also think more than anything that I have learned is that I can't worry about what anyone else will think. I come from a pretty conservative background, and married women who want to have kids (or do have kids!) don't really become doctors. Nursing is fine ("oh what a great flexible career around a family!" has been stated numerous times), but being a doctor places you in that category of 'working mom' ya know the one with the breifcase who leaves in the wee hours of the morning and returns late at night, never seeing their children who are being raised by daycare providers. But you see, that just isn't me. But I get afraid people will think that when I share my profession with them. The fact is, my husband and I are going to love our kids. We talk and think about them all the time. We've named them! And either I, my husband or my parents will be caring for our kids, not a day care provider. They are going to be loved, treasured and valued. And I know its possible because I know countless midwives and doctors who make it happen. And raise healthy, happy and together kids. So I have to stop thinking about what those church ladies are thinking and know that my husband and my Lord are on board, and thats all that matters anyways. Its so hard for me not to care what people think, I wish I was so much more secure sometimes!!!
An excerpt from a best friend in my 49 page diary -
"First things First - dont you dare not become a doctor just because you want to be a mum!! You can do both and dont let anyone tell you otherwise. Even if you took ten years off from being a doctor just to be at home with kids - youd still have millions on years to go do your fantastic job!! Please dont be that girl Amy, you know you can do it, it will just be hard. But not that hard that you can give it up! I refuse to let you do that...if you want to be a doctor, be one. AND you can also be the brilliant mum you want to be. If i had the opportunity to become a doctor, or the dream to do it, then i wouldnt let that go. You have a fantastic husband, amazing family and friends who will serve you to the end....thats alot more than most people can say. Be strong Amy, be the multi-tasker i know you can be!!"
Thank you Lord for wonderful supportive friends, the courage to do whats hard and incredible husbands who push you to become all the God meant you to be.
(p.s. had to throw a couple of me on my wedding day. Such a wonderful gift to marry my best friend soul mate, reminds me of what matters in this life!)
