Moving Countries is a Crazy Thing!

(Dunedin, our new home....to be)


We have had a productive past few weeks in preparation for our move. A lot of people are wondering exactly where we are at with things so I thought I would write. Moving countries is a HUGE undertaking with a ton of logistics. I feel excited about our move, but most of the time I just feel pretty numb about it because it doesn't feel quite real yet.


Completed items on the list:

- Noah to apply for New Zealand residency
- Amy to apply for NZ nursing license
- research and book international moving company to ship household goods
- enroll at the University of Otago
- research housing options in Dunedin
- figure out temporary accommodation for when we arrive in Dunedin
- decide whether to fly into Dunedin or Auckland
- apply to Studylink NZ
- mail certified copies of marriage license, passports, birth certificates, transcripts, bank slips, employment letters to all respective organizations
- book plane tickets/resort for Caribbean vacation (yay!!!!!!)



To Do:

-Pack for our move
- buy plane tickets for NZ
- organize our road trip to Arizona, where we will fly to NZ
- Find somewhere to live/rent/buy in Dunedin
- apply for jobs once NZ nursing license and Noah's visa come through
- Sell car and large furniture items
- hold garage sale for small furniture items that are not coming



....I feel like I am forgetting something. I always feel like that now. I am learning to try to not think about it all too much, because it just becomes so overwhelming with so many unknowns. The scary part is not knowing where we are going to live, not having family in our new city (well, we've done that before) and not knowing how long it will take to find jobs. We have a little bit of savings, but still - we wanted to save that towards our house deposit vs eat through it all in our move. It gives me a much greater appreciations for my parents who had to do this - as missionaries and with two very young children nonetheless! They are my heroes!

(One hour drive from where we will be living)


Finding a shipping company was a crazy business! I had to think about so many things - how much do we want to ship? what can we buy in New Zealand and what can't we? what is much cheaper here and worth taking? do we want door to door service or do we want to pick it up at the port? is the company reputable? will they pay port charges/customs fees? What things can we bring that we won't get taxed on? What will happen if our shipment gets a customs inspection and fumigation from the MAF? There are so many horror stories on the web - people whose stuff was lost. or got hit with terrible fees that they had to pay - AFTER having paid the company thousands of dollars and when their belongings were at sea. What choice did they have?
Actual friends of ours had their shipping company go bankrupt while their container was at sea, so when it arrived at the port Customs wouldn't release the goods until they were paid. NIGHTMARE!!! When you are paying over 5k for this ordeal, its no small thing if complications occur!

I have scoured through expat forums and hope to golly goodness that our company turns out to be ok. If you ever have to do an international shipment - contact me!!!!

My mum warned me two months ago to create an 'emotional buffer' during this time because there are many things that will drain me that I might not expect. I am discovering this. On top of working full time in a very draining profession, and having to manage all the logistics at home, we are trying to figure out a way to visit family, say goodbye to friends and enjoy our favorite American things before our move. Trader Jo's, the spaghetti factory, GAP, $5 movies at the theater, Doritos, Jimmy Johns, T.J. Maxx, authentic mexican food and much more.

(My favorite NZ beach!)



I have to keep reminding myself that being willing to make hard, uncomfortable decisions is the person that I want to be. Some days I just so want to stop this craziness, enjoy our wonderful double income, go to Europe next year, buy a house and try to have a baby!!! That would be the easy, comfortable choice. But I know God has so much more planned for us right now. I also know that making a decision based on money is not the family we want to be. I know I would look back when I was 40 and probably think, 'darn it Amy why didn't you just go for it and not worry about the money stuff so much? That will work out in the end'. So that's what I am doing!!! Again, so so grateful for such an amazing husband who is always so optimistic and reminds me that everything is going to be OK. God has us in our hands!

(Beautiful New Zealand)

Thoughts on Grief and Loss

“What do people mean when they say, 'I am not afraid of God because I know He is good'? Have they never even been to a dentist?”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

“Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed


I love C.S. Lewis. For many, many reasons. This past month its been because of his wonderful understanding of a not so wonderful thing - grief. I think when it comes to sadness, people just don't know what to say. So they say silly things. I understand how it feels to be unloaded upon and to feel like you have to say something. (!anything! your mind screams). However I have learned from experience listening is almost always enough. Words of sympathy more than often come across as hollow...vacuous. I think the worst of it is when you are so absolutely downtrodden and people say things like "God is good", "trust in Him", "He has a lesson for you in this time" etc etc. Not that anything of those things AREN'T true. But there is a time and a place. And at the wrong time you come off as not understanding (see quote #2). C.S. Lewis understood. And I am trying to understand.

I most acutely discovered the convolution of grief when I was married and moved to Minnesota. I learned that grief is not a state of being but this confusing and heartwrenching process that twisted and turned, impossible to pinpoint or map out. We were married in New Zealand and then went away on our honeymoon, in New Zealand. I was suddenly very aware that I was going to be moving to Minnesota, hundreds of miles away from family and friends. So I grieved that. Then I was moving away from my family in New Zealand for a long time. I grieved that. I strangely grieved independence and changing my name. It seems strange now but I battled so many hard emotions on my honeymoon. It felt so weird to be in New Zealand near my family and friends, but away from them with the man that I would be living with for years as just the two of us. My poor husband, I actually cried for two days. It was this weird paradox of sweet honeymoon experiences and an awareness of the sadness to come. I just couldn't process it all, so we went home early to spend time with my family. I needed that, and my husband knew that and was awesome about it. I know we would do it again in a heartbeat too.
Actually being in Minnesota was so, so hard as well. When I reflect on our first six months there, I realize that I was clinically depressed and probably should have gotten some more help. But hindsight is 20/20 :)
I'll never forget the different responses I got when I poured my heart out to people, and what it taught me about listening, empathy and sadness. I was told, "you just need to try harder" and "well, it could always be worse. you could be living in Alaska where the sun never rises". gee, thanks for that. then there was the "go out and do more activities. try to see the best in work and the winter" and "God doesn't test us beyond what we can handle, there is a reason for this season". I just remember feeling so, so alone and that nobody understood. Finally my best friend said to me, "I can see that this place and time is making you lose your soul. I will be here on skype for you every day. Know that you can always come home if you want to."

sigh. this made me feel so much better. I was heard and somebody was committed to being my friend despite my dark cloud.
And my dark cloud got better. I settled in to life. I found a good job and two good friends. But somebody communicated to me that no matter what, they were there for me - no matter how I felt or what I said.

Those feelings come back at times. At airports when I am saying goodbye. at weddings when the bride and groom leave. On the telephone with sisters who are grieving on their honeymoon. when I think about moving to a brand new place. I become afraid of going back to that time, to those feelings. and then I realize its just part of my process.

'No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not
afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same
fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the
yawning. I keep on swallowing.' C.S. Lewis



When I take time to be quiescent, I think back to my grief and the person it shaped me into. Now I absolutely have never experienced the loss of a child, spouse or had something horrendous to me so I know my grief is different. I am just saying that we all need to take the time to learn to be better listeners when people in our lives are going through a hard time. To allow them to process, and commit to walking through the mud with them. to allow them to feel whatever they are feeling, instead of making them feel guilty, crazy, weak, pathetic. Don't be Job's friends everyone!

Thats my essay for the week :)

Ka Kite Ano

Paging Dr. H

See this picture? Its me standing in front of the Dunedin School of Medicine at the University of Otago. My dad took it after I interviewed for a place in medical school. I was crazy nervous, but thought I would be facetious and get one of me 'praying' for a spot :)
On monday I found out I was accepted. So I guess God heard my prayers!

A lot has brought me to this place.
When I was 15 I read a book called the Hospital By the River. It was about a husband & wife team who were doctors, moved to Ethiopia and changed the lives of thousands of women who suffered from birth injuries. I decided I wanted to do that. Then someone told me you couldn't be a mother and a doctor, that I had to choose. I didn't want to give up being a mother so I decided to do nursing. Then I met all of these incredible women who were also doctors. They worked part time and had wonderful relationships with their kids. They were fulfilled and passionate and challenged every day. I then found Mothersinmeicine.com which is a forum of women in medicine all around the world, and how they manage to make it work. It inspired me.
Most of all, my husband inspired me. He encouraged me to pursue my dreams, and pushed me when I got scared/nervous/worried. He wanted this so bad for me, and his support has meant the world to me. I am here, because of him.

I thought I would share with you what I shared with the panel regarding what nursing has taught me and the type of doctor I want to be.

"Working as a nurse the past three years has shown me more than ever that I want to be a doctor. I have discovered that I genuinely love working with people and seeing their quality of life improved. However, I have found that there is something missing. While I love the bedside role of nursing, I found myself longing to master the pathology of my patients diseases and their treatment from a scientific perspective. As a result, I see medicine as the only career that will allow me to both care for patients and remain true to my interests and abilities. Blending these passions as a doctor will also enable me to make a bigger difference in their lives, by taking on that more decision making role, and assuming the overall responsibility of what kind of care that patient will receive.

Secondly, I have seen what it means to to care for patients, and what it means to treat the whole person. an effective doctor can do in not just improving physical health but improving a patients mental, emotional and spiritual health as well. When you improve the wellbeing of someone it not only affects them, but their family as well. Which I believe has a ripple affect into the community, which is rewarding and why medicine seems really appealing to me. I have also noticed that the prevention and treatment of disease is truly a joint effort between a doctor and the patient. This type of relationship is one that involves trust, and interpersonal skills, which I believe I have and why I want to take on the role of becoming a doctor.

Finally, everyday I put my patients first, but I feel like I work in a system that does not. Whilst the New Zealand health care system provides much better access to care than the U.S, ensuring a health system is functioning well has a much greater impact on a patient than just one provider. Medicine is appealing to me, as beyond the 1:1 patient contact and interpersonal relationships of your own practice, there is a place for health care policy development, academic involvement and facilitating medical research. Integrating all of these spheres into a working life would allow me to operate in a much larger scope than I ever could currently as a nurse. This would allow for a fulfilling career, one that would never be short of challenges and opportunities to keep me engaged – which in end, will cause be to be a better caregiver down the road."

Yes I have fears and the thought of moving to New Zealand in six months, starting in a whole new city, finding Noah a job, getting through the hefty medical study and fitting babies into the mix is TERRIFYING. However, I want to look back at my life and know that Noah and I took risks. That we didn't take the easy road (what is safest financially, what is the least time consuming, what doesn't involve as much sacrifice).Because the easy road leads to a diminished life. with regrets.

The ROAD NOT TAKEN however, leads to growth. character. depth. fulfillment. passion. trust. faith.
And a beautiful, well-lived life.

I hope you will partner with us in this crazy adventure. I hope it encourages you to run towards your dreams, and to take the time to discover who you are and what you have to offer the world.

Hindsight

I *LOVE* Summer. Especially when I live in a state that feels like the polar arctic five to six months of the year.
Its also been especially sweet because Noah graduated at the end of June with his Masters degree, and while he was looking for work we had lots of wonderful precious time together! Whenever I was home from work, hubs was there. So we had lots of time to go on dates, talk and hang out. I don't know if we will ever get time like that again, besides from vacation time my husband takes, and I am so glad we had it.

However, everything is clear with hindsight. During the three months hubs didn't have a job and was looking for one, it was really hard. We had all this time to talk, but we were well aware of all of our upcoming expenses with possibly having an international move in six months. Noah pretty much never worries, so we spent a lot of hours of Amy being worried and Noah telling her that everything was going to be ok. In my heart I knew that this time together was special and needed to be enjoyed, but then I would become overwhelmed at being a one income family and thinking of how we really needed Noah to get a job. I wish I could look back and think, "man I enjoyed every single minute of our summer and didn't waste a second". But I did. On worry, anxiety, fear, sadness. Its embarrassing. It drove my husband crazy. I wish I could have my husbands optimism and trust. But that's why I have him, to make me a better person.

And you know what? Noah has a job now. We have two incomes. Everything IS ok. I wish I just could have relaxed and enjoyed it. Not put stress on my husband.
I hope I look back on this time and lesson and remember to not waste what is in front of me. That wherever I am, to BE there. Not in the past. Not in the future. But just present within the season at hand.



Some photos of our summer activities....

Picking strawberries
Enjoying lunch at my favorite organic & local french bakery
Paddle Boarding!
Saturday morning at the Farmers market by the Mississippi river

w

Redefining 'All'

Reposted from my favorite blog, Mothers In Medicine. http://www.mothersinmedicine.com/

Can Women Have It All? Depends On How You Define All.

I just finished the just profoundly awesome article Why Women Still Can't Have It All by Anne-Marie Slaughter, in this month's Atlantic. This is the article that has all the buzz going about professional women and work/life balance.
It has taken me a full week to finish this article, reading in bits and snatches before work, between patients and after work. I finally got through all 6 pages. Totally worth it. She says what I have been feeling and trying to voice to the women coming up the ranks of training in medicine.

Though I disagree with one fundamental point. She feels that most women can't Have It All, and by All seems she means breaking into the higher echelons of their professions, making the highest possible achievements. I agree with her on this.

My feeling is that All can mean something else. All, to me, means achieving total personal and professional fulfillment. And this does not have to mean being the CEO/ Secretary of State/ Department Chair/ Nobel Prizewinner.
When I am asked advice by pre-meds or medical students considering a career path, I hedge my response based on their answer to my questions-- "Do you have or want to have a family? And do you want to spend time with them?"

There are few professions that require as much schooling as medicine. It took a long time for women to get into those schools, to break into the profession. Women now comprise 50% or more of the students entering medical schools. However, we still don't see many women in positions of power in medicine or in certain subspecialties. While women in medicine has been a long time coming, women in power positions in medicine, and women in certain subspecialties, may be a long time coming yet. The basic reason? The paths to those positions mean too great a sacrifice at the expense of a family.

I wish I could say to any of these incredibly bright, hardworking, determined women that "Hey, with enough brains and hard work and determination you go anywhere in medicine!" But that's bull, and Anne-Marie Slaughter says so in the pages of the Atlantic.

But they can have it All.

If All means achieving personal and professional fulfillment, of finding that elusive work/ home balance, then I'd say, it's entirely possible, but think it through very carefully. Look to the future- Look to the women who are working and practicing doing what you want to do. What kinds of positions are available? Is anyone working part-time? Are family values promoted and respected? Would you be expected to be at work and working endless hours? Is there a lot of call? Would you need to go into the hospital unexpectedly? Etc etc.

If women have or envision having a family someday, I ask them to think really hard about the kind of life they imagine. What kind of a partner do they or will they have-- is this someone who can stay home when the baby is sick/ it's a snow day/ there's an unexpected holiday/ they are sick? What kind of partner and mother do they want to be-- do they want to be present, participating, reassuring, enjoying family dinner, tucking in? If so, can that vision fit with the lifestyle of the specialty they're considering?

When I was interviewing for jobs four years ago, I had just come out of a research fellowship, and I knew that life wasn't for me. Very competitive, getting those grants. I also saw women MDs who aspired to be Heads of Something, or Experts in Something Else, and I knew I didn't want to do that either. I knew I wanted to focus on family as my priority, and to work part-time at a clinical practice with a good "vibe": supportive, flexible, mom- friendly.

I had to really search. I hired a professional job headhunter guy. He kept sending me listings. Some places wanted me to work 10 clinical sessions a week! Others had 1 week of call a month. Ugh.

Now, I'm a part-time internist, with two little kids. I was lucky to have found work in a small, progressive practice, 5 sessions a week, with 1 week of call every 3 months. The vibe? Well, just this morning, I met with my practice head and explained our situation:

Our two-year-old isn't talking. He's been diagnosed with severe delays in receptive and expressive communication, as well as some cognitive delay. He's eligible for all kinds of services. We'll be taking him to speech therapy and group therapy at least... and before that, he needs hearing testing, a developmental eval, etc. We'd also like to get him into some other activities to help him start communicating. This will all take some time, and time involves rearranging my work schedule. Like, dropping my Friday afternoon clinic.

My boss was great. There was no issue here. The support was 100% there.

All, to me, is where I am. Yes, I had to search this place out. Yes, there is tweaking here and there. I'll be glad for a promotion and a raise when it comes. I'll be glad for some adjustments to my schedule; a decrease in clinical time and an increase in admin time. Work sometimes edges into home, and home into work; I think that is natural and inevitable. But I consider all of that to be fine-tuning of an otherwise really excellent arrangement.

Can All be as easily achieved in all the areas of medicine? I don't think so, not yet. So my advice to those making their way up the ranks is to think about what will bring you personal and professional fulfillment, and to work towards a healthy work/ home life balance.

It may be that practice arrangements like mine in medicine are few and far between, but I see them popping up here and there in primary care. Where they are not, then shift work, as in Emergency or Hospitalist work, may be far more inviting to the aspiring physician-mother.

But maybe someone is driven to be the Head of a Department or the Expert in Something, and they feel they will not be happy or fulfilled until they have made the achievement; AND they want to have a family.... In that case, I think the choice of a partner, living close to extended family, and a very organized schedule could help... Personally, I don't believe that these external professional achievements give one true life satisfaction. I think many of us start off thinking they do, and hope they do, but then realize, they don't. Family does.

My way of seeing this: I was trained to do a hard job that I loved. I also wanted to have a strong, healthy family. So for me, I chose carefully. Now, I am doing the job I trained to do and that I love, I do it well, in a great hospital and positive environment. I also spend alot of quality time with my two little kids and my husband and my extended family. "Alot" to me is what I need. I get the time I need with my family.

So I feel very lucky. I have it All. I think we all can, even in medicine, but it takes looking to the future, thinking hard, being honest, and choosing carefully.

A sad day for the Church

Could say so much, as I feel so embarrassed as a christian about the whole Chick-Fil-A political/social/religious whatever you call it. However, this article says a lot about how I feel about it. Again, the church fails to love, and runs people over with a cause.



5 Reasons Why the Church Failed Yesterday

Posted by MATTHEW PAUL TURNER on Thursday, August 2, 2012 · 1,221 Comments

Thousands and thousands and thousands of people proudly lined up to support Mike Huckabee’s “Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day” yesterday. By all accounts, it was a successful campaign, perhaps one of Huckabee’s most memorable actions, a deed that might warrant etching “#ChickFilA” on his tombstone so future Americans will learn of the greatness that occurred on August 1, 2012.

Many of yesterday’s appreciators were born again Christians, people who, I can only assume, claim to love God, put their trust in Jesus, and have a desire that all people hear and experience the Good News of Christ. That fact alone changes the headline of what happened yesterday.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Chick-Fil-A owners felt loved, made lots of money, and greatly appreciated the somewhat positive press they received all day long. And yes, Mike Huckabee has reason to be proud (dare I say, even cocksure?) of the influence he wields to get Americans to buy chicken. Those CFA cows no doubt love Mike Huckabee!

So good for Chick-Fil-A! And three cheers for Mike Huckabee! And good tidings of great joy to cows everywhere.

Yet, amid all of that CFA-appreciating success, the Church (at least, the part that exists here in America) failed miserably. Every member of the Church isn’t to blame, of course. Many individual churches and denominations played no role whatsoever in promoting yesterday’s Great Chicken Awakening. Some Christians, churches, and denominations even tried to throw a social media wrench into the festivities. Some of those attempts went viral and garnered a great deal of attention. But still, chicken-loving Christians everywhere rallied behind CFA yesterday. The crowds were so big that you might have thought that Chick-Fil-A was giving away free iPads or Cabbage Patch Dolls or freshly fallen manna from Heaven. And while lots of Christians chose not to participate for various reasons, many did and the Church as a whole suffered.

Here’s why.

ONE

Yesterday’s campaign, while I don’t think it should be considered or called “hate,” neither can it be called love. Christians all over America ignored the second greatest commandment: to love our neighbors. Call yesterday what you want, freedom of speech, a rally behind “family values,” a sincere fascination with CFA’s brand of fried poultry… but it cannot be called love. It was not love.

TWO

People felt hate and we ignored that. At the end of the day, regardless of whether or not your Christian understanding of scripture harbors hate or not, a large group of people felt hated. Again, we can debate this point all day long, but that does not change the fact that people felt hatred because of what happened yesterday. Whether or not hate actually existed is not the point, people felt hated. And rather than acknowledging those feelings or trying to understand or engage them in any way, Christians everywhere marched off to their local CFA like it was a cross to bear, a necessity, a battle cry of some sort, the waffle fry’s last stand.

THREE

By rallying behind CFA, Christians put an issue above people. And it’s impossible to follow Jesus when issues trump people. Jesus never said “love God, love causes.” That is not the message that gets preached in churches all over America on Sunday mornings. I’ve heard a hundred different explanations from patrons of yesterday’s rally and nearly every one of them gives precedence to “the cause”. We can’t embrace love, mercy, hope, and peace when our causes (or a place of business) trumps people.

FOUR

Once again, the mass actions of Christians built another wall of distrust between the Church and the GLBTQ communities. Nobody was surprised that the CEO of CFA is against gay marriage. Nobody was surprised that Mike Huckabee made the decision to rally support behind CFA. And nobody was surprised that Christians took Huckabee’s words as marching orders, leading the charge with more passion, delight, and Instagram pictures than what we express for so many more important issues facing this country. If Mike Huckabee had declared yesterday “Homeless Appreciation Day,” would the response have been even half as large and loud? Yes, I know; that’s an unfair question. But we’re Christians, so we’re very familiar with the use of unfair questions to make a point.

Once in a while, our culture needs to be surprised by how much we love people–all people. Once in a while, our culture needs to be overwhelmed with joy that we are involved in the greater story. Once in a while, our culture needs to see us being a part of the solution and not the problem. But yesterday? There were no surprises. And no surprises only builds more distrust, not peace, not grace, not hope, and not love.

FIVE

Yesterday’s hoopla surrounding CFA did nothing to prove that Christians don’t hate gay people. Oh I know that most Christians will say, “I don’t hate gay people!!”

But did supporting CFA Appreciation Day prove that?

Trust me, I understand that most people who ate chicken sandwiches at CFA yesterday did not do that as an act of hate. I get that. And that’s cool and all, but did the act of going out of your way to CFA prove that to be true? Do you think that the GLBTQ communities believe you? Would you, if you were gay, believe you?

Now before you answer that, remember that yesterday’s CFA Love Day was just one action in a long line of many. Because let’s face it: Christians go WAY out of their way to “hate the sin”–i.e., by voting against gay marriage, voting against civil unions, voicing their angst about gay people adopting children (just to list a few). Is it possible that Christians lose the ability to truly “love the sinner” because they’re so busy “hating the sin”? Do Christians put anywhere near the energy into “loving the sinner” as they do “hating the sin”?

All I know is that the GLBTQ communities are becoming quite used to feeling unloved by Christians. And with good reason.

How many times do we hear Christians say something like, “I don’t hate gay people. I may not agree with their lifestyle. But I don’t hate them… “

If you were gay, would you believe that? Think about it. Would you feel loved by somebody if they included rules, context, and/or explanations about your lifestyle every time they spoke about how much they don’t hate you? Only when talking about gay people do Christians feel the need to preface their “love” or “non-hate” with some variation of “I don’t agree with your lifestyle, but…” Christians don’t talk about any other group of people like that–only gay people.

So, I want to believe Christians when they say “I don’t hate gay people.” But sometimes proof of that is necessary. And yesterday did not prove that. Honestly, yesterday proved little more than how shallow Christians can be sometimes.

Not only did supporting CFA Appreciation Day declare that Christians believe that an issue is more important than people, that declaration was made by the mass consumption of junk food. That fact doesn’t need a punch line. It is a punch line.

Yes, on some level, yesterday was successful. I’m sure that today CFA feels really loved. And I’m sure Mike Huckabee feels loved, too. And I’m sure lots of people, many Christians included, feel great pride for supporting the cause. But there’s also a large group of people, good people, people you might disagree with, that today, feel really unloved.

If it’s true that Christians don’t hate gay people, today would be a really good day to prove it.

Seasons of Change

I sometimes feel like I am always making these huge life decisions. Like change follows my shadow. I can look back and savor those few months here and there when life was just...stable. There were no big decisions to be made, I was just living in the season.

Five years ago I decided to move to the U.S. Then I decided to stay and do nursing school. Then I met Noah and we decided to get engaged. Then decided to get married in New Zealand. Before we got married Noah decided to apply to graduate school. That led us to Minnesota.

For about a year life was simple. Noah was in graduate school. I was working as a nurse and finishing my bachelors. Life had purpose and direction. There was no worry about the future because we just knew we have to be here and get 'er done.
Sigh. That was then.

In May Noah graduated - which meant that our season, and reason for being in Minnesota, had ended. And thus our season of transition, again, has arrived.

We are in a flurry of change related activity. Pending the outcome of a graduate school application I have in New Zealand, we are preparing to move back home. Noah is applying for NZ residency, I am applying for a NZ nursing license and Noah is looking for work. We are doing research about moving companies, looking into living situations and planning our travel. Its intense! and soooo much paperwork!

Its also really expensive. NZ nursing license: $500. Residency application: $1200. Medical exam: $300. FBI clearance cards $60. IELTS exam for nursing: $185. Plus passport photos, notorized documents, courier fees and FLIGHTs! arrg, I could think of so many fun vacations we could have gone on right now.

Its also hard because we are feeling like right now we are preparing for this huge change, but we don't even know if its going to happen. If I don't get accepted into the grad programme, we probably won't move right away.
We want to stay, save money and travel. But we certainly don't want to stay in the Midwest (no THANKS!).
Which means a cross country move (because we love the Northwest!) and new jobs.

We are so ready for change, but powerless to really do anything about it right now.
I feel like I am in this wierd transition period where nothing is happening but we know something will, so we have to prepare for it, but we can't really.
Confusing right?!?!

I am learning a lot about myself and about being content in all seasons, even this one. I also am being forced to let go of things that I cannot control and trust that God will take care of us no matter what.

I think that's always going to be a season that I am in.

{Projects}

I wanted to show you some of my fun summer projects.

The first is me re-painting a set of drawers I picked up at a garage sale a few months ago. It was an icky mustard yellow color with bulky brass handles. I followed the Young House Love tutorial here : http://www.younghouselove.com/2009/02/how-to-paint-furniture/

I chose low VOC paint (worth the extra few dollars to save you from breathing in harsh chemicals forever) in Antique Grey. I also primed with low VOC primer.
I found cute glass handles at Home Depot and they look perfect!

Really wanted a set at Anthropologie but seeing that those handles alone would have been triple what I paid for the whole dang drawer set, I decided against it.

Before:



After:





{PROJECT NUMERO DOS}

After picking the first harvast of summer strawberries at our favorite orchard, I also attempted my first batch of home-made jam.
Per my Grandma's advice, I followed the directions on the SureGel box. She has always had the freshest, yummiest jam and I wanted to relive my childhood memories.

Pretty much this is how it goes:
1) have fun buying super cute 8oz mason jars with lids
2) Sterilize said jars and lids in boiling water, wash with soap before.
3) Mash up strawberries (2 cups for my recipe)
4) Mix a (ridiculous amount) of sugar in with the strawberries
5) Heat pectin with water
6) Mix pectin with strawberry mix
7) Boil mixture for two minutes, never stop stirring!
8) Pour into sterilized (and still hot!) jars
9) seal jars quickly, leave out at room temp for 24 hours
10) Freeze for up to 1 year, refrigerate for three weeks (thaw out in the fridge!)

It turned out just as expected, and husband is overjoyed. The nurse in me is slightly petrified about getting ecoli/listeria/salmonella poisoning knowing that can still incubate in the freezer and then grow when thawed....but I am just not going to think about that right now! (or ever....)

Summer is here!

So summer is here! and it has brought with it many wonderful memories so far. Our second year anniversary, and my first attempt at home-made jam for one (or two?)!
Hubs has been busy plugging away completing his thesis and he is finally done. His defense is in two weeks.

I have been working full time, soaking up the summer sun as much as possible, and things keep coming along with medical school dreams....

For our two year anniversary we had coffee in the morning, a walk in the flower gardens, and then lunch at a fancy schmancy steak house. It was a blast. I love Noah more than I did the day we married, but in a different way than I did the day we said "I do". We have made it through the fire and class V rapids, and his dedication, commitment and love for me gives me butterflies deep down in my soul. We just feel like an old married couple now, and I love that feeling of contentment and routine. He's my partner and we will forever be side by side. Hopping into bed at night with him still makes me feel excited. I just love that.

on one of our car trips we were listening to the radio and this awesome song came on. Hubs and I started singing it together, and it was like reading our vows all over again!

{I won't give up: Jason Mraz)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1-4u9W-bns











When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

Time together

Something I have learned being married for nearly two years now is that it's really important to do fun things together. (Yes I know all the books say that!).

However I think every person has a different definition of fun. I love to read, shop, watch BBC movies, cook a gourmet dinner, have people over, decorate my house, make hand-made cards, go out for coffee and try new restaurants. I love little cute towns with cobblestone streets and antique stores.

My husband is less particular. He really loves one-on-one time, whatever that may look like. But there is one thing that he truly loves to do - birding. His dad is a naturalist and he grew up going into the woods and looking at birds and plants. Before we got married I thought it was cute. We would go out together and I would sit in the sun while he went and looked at birds. But early into our marriage I wanted to do other things. I needed the down time and wanted to read so my hubs would go out on his own. That was a big deal for us because we pretty much do everything together. everything.

After a few months I realized I was missing an opportunity to serve and love my husband by not engaging in something he loved to do. I thought of all the times he spent hours shopping with me or taking me out for coffee (which he doesn't even drink) and I was struck by how selfish I was being! And seriously, its not like he was asking me to join an online gaming club with him - his hobby involved being outside enjoying nature and getting away from the hustle and bustle of life.

So I started joining in. Now, I wake up with him at 6am on saturday mornings and we go out on an early morning hike to see the birds. He treats me with my favorite coffee, and I hold his hands while we wander in the woods for hours in the morning.

And you know what? I am learning to love it too. Check out this super awesome owl family we discovered last week:

Has there been anything in your life/marriage that you have learned to love and do for someone? I hope you found it a blessing in your relationship too!

Lessons

My husband is a graduate :)
Two weeks ago on friday April 27th he walked up on that stage and graduated with a Master in Science in Civil Engineering!
Phew, I feel like I graduated with a Masters too after all those hours sitting with him in the lab, being his audience while he practiced his presentations and proof reading papers.
I am so, so proud.
Here we are!

While I watched from the audience as we listened to speakers and sang the national anthem I experienced a feeling I was not expecting - sadness.

Sad that this season was ending. Sad that our time in Minnesota would be coming to a close. Sad that I wouldn't be sitting on campus in the giant biomedical library, waiting for hubs to get done.

If you had told me two years ago that I would have felt this way, I honestly would have laughed in your face. Two years ago I was thinking, "how am I going to survive? two years is such a long time. I can't believe I am stuck in this freezing cold state, with the worst job in the world, thousands of miles away from family and nobody wants to be our friends."
We spent thanksgiving and Christmas alone our first year, despite the fact that many people in our church knew we had no family in the area. I was mad and disappointed at the people of Minnesota. "New Zealanders would never treat people like this, I cant believe the church here is so blind to people in need."

And yet here I was, sad about closing this chapter.

Because folks, I have grown and changed. We still don't have many friends, and we still spend holidays alone, but I am stronger. I have held tight to my husband and my God these two years, content in their arms. Having two precious years where my husband and I could spend all of our time together free from heaps of family obligations and social functions has been a blessing. We are a tightly knitted cord and I know we can survive anything.
We have experienced hardship and tears that many of my friends who live in a tight community would never experience. In some ways I feel it has prepared me for a life in missions and humanitarian aid.

I don't know what is ahead of us and where we will be living in a year from now, but my time here has shown me that I have nothing to fear and God truly does bring good things from the hardest of times.

And my mum was right, It really does take two years for any new place to feel like home :)

Coffee and a Kiss

Noah woke me up this morning by handing me my favorite coffee {a Caribou caramel high rise} and a kiss. He woke up at 630am to run out and get it for me before I woke up. Good man huh?

I'm starting my post with this because I really am just blown away by my spouse. I have had a super tough week and despite my terrible attitude throughout it, he has made sure to love and treasure me.

MY WEEK:

**I found out that I had a positive exposure to a Tuberculosis patient.
Which brought an onslaught of talks with infectious disease specialists, chest xrays, blood draws and, ofcourse, tears.
I had a special blood test that was sent out of state to the Center for Disease Control to find out more. news on that later.

*I found out that my Medical school application could be lost somewhere in the New Zealand mail system.

*I found out that getting licensed as a nurse in New Zealand is going to be near impossible.

*We discovered that with my sisters pending nuptials, we have to find a way to fund 5 round trip tickets to New Zealand in the next seven months. Dear Lord....

*Hubs keeps applying for jobs and there are just no bites yet...

*Somehow I am going to have to get leave to make it down to New Zealand in July for Med School interviews (hopefully) as well as in October for my sisters wedding...thats a little tough when you only have 40 hours of vacation accrued and there is no such thing as 'leave without pay' in the nursing field.



I feel like life was just cruising along on a fun roller coaster and then we suddenly stepped on this crazy ride that drops you up and down unexpectedly (think 'Tower of Terror').


So I'm pretty sure I have been this ridiculous person to live with. So many tears and conversations about worry, over and over again. Somehow God was amazing enough to give me a man who never worries about anything and is always just super optimistic. But umm, this can be annoying sometimes to a die-hard preparer (my term instead of pessimist, since thats what I do..prepare for the worst) :)

I became swallowed up in all of the concerns this week, and it took a sweet gesture on my husbands part to pull me out of it.

The fact is -

I have an incredible partner to get through all of this with.

Worrying won't do me any good, it will just contribute to heart disease.

Taking it one day at a time is all I really can do in the end.

There is a God who is good, and will take good care of me despite it all.

There isn't much that coffee and a kiss can't make better in my world. Thankfully I have a hubby that realized that before I did.

De-brief of test day.

So I did it. I took my huge, scary, freakishly hard test. Its the first step to getting into medical school in Australia. It was hideous, to say the least. I did well in the first two parts, but the science section was awful!! I felt like I guessed the entire three hours. When I came out I thought I would just burst into tears like the past two practice tests. But I was surprisingly calm. I think it was because I have been covered in so much prayer. My parents, friends and Noah all showered me with prayers. I also think I realized that this was not the end of the world. Being a doctor is not everything. Some days it feels like it is, but I know it isn't. When I cried about this to my mum she told me this...

"Honey, life isn't about what you do. It's about who you are. You are loved. You are a wife, daughter, sister and friend. You will love being a mother. These are all so important and are not defined by what you do. Just learn to be. Even if you fail at this, it isn't fatal. None of us will think you are a failure. We are proud that you are even being courageous and taking this darn test despite the outcome. "

Why do mums just always know exactly what to say?
So after the test I took a deep breath, and practiced the spiritual exercise of breathing in the peace, and breathing out the anxiety and fear. All of my mums comforting words came back, and so did the peace of Jesus.

Everything is going to be ok.
Failure is not fatal.
If God wants me to be a doctor, He can work miracles.
He has GOOD plans for me.

I have two months until I find out the results. Two months to let it all go, and learn to really trust God with this. These lessons are so hard sometimes to learn, but so good for our growth!

The God Factor.

Do you know that I have a 49 page Microsoft word document that I started two years ago, filled with the pro's and con's of medicine vs. nursing vs. midwifery? Crazy, I know. I have copied and pasted countless facebook, email and phone conversations into this document. When Noah first looked at it he was like, "Man you have a tough time making decisions huh?". At first I was hurt, and then I realized...yikes, this is definitely a problem. I was so worried about making the right choice, that I needed to understand how everyone else made the right choice. Hence the conversations with Doctors and Midwives. I was so afraid of living with regrets that I became this information vacuum, trying to gather as much insight as possible. I think that in some aspects, this is a wise thing. We don't want to make a huge decision based on a feeling, but on a solid foundation of input. The Bible talks about seeking input from a council of advisers. And yet in this process I totally forgot about the "God Factor" (as my mum puts it). The fact is, we all make OUR own choices. Trying to understand why another person did what they did doesn't help ME much, because I have different situation and a different background. And even with that being said, God doesn't work in the most logical ways sometimes (or most times!). It might not make sense financially, logistically to do what you are being led to do.



I also think more than anything that I have learned is that I can't worry about what anyone else will think. I come from a pretty conservative background, and married women who want to have kids (or do have kids!) don't really become doctors. Nursing is fine ("oh what a great flexible career around a family!" has been stated numerous times), but being a doctor places you in that category of 'working mom' ya know the one with the breifcase who leaves in the wee hours of the morning and returns late at night, never seeing their children who are being raised by daycare providers. But you see, that just isn't me. But I get afraid people will think that when I share my profession with them. The fact is, my husband and I are going to love our kids. We talk and think about them all the time. We've named them! And either I, my husband or my parents will be caring for our kids, not a day care provider. They are going to be loved, treasured and valued. And I know its possible because I know countless midwives and doctors who make it happen. And raise healthy, happy and together kids. So I have to stop thinking about what those church ladies are thinking and know that my husband and my Lord are on board, and thats all that matters anyways. Its so hard for me not to care what people think, I wish I was so much more secure sometimes!!!



An excerpt from a best friend in my 49 page diary -
"First things First - dont you dare not become a doctor just because you want to be a mum!! You can do both and dont let anyone tell you otherwise. Even if you took ten years off from being a doctor just to be at home with kids - youd still have millions on years to go do your fantastic job!! Please dont be that girl Amy, you know you can do it, it will just be hard. But not that hard that you can give it up! I refuse to let you do that...if you want to be a doctor, be one. AND you can also be the brilliant mum you want to be. If i had the opportunity to become a doctor, or the dream to do it, then i wouldnt let that go. You have a fantastic husband, amazing family and friends who will serve you to the end....thats alot more than most people can say. Be strong Amy, be the multi-tasker i know you can be!!"

Thank you Lord for wonderful supportive friends, the courage to do whats hard and incredible husbands who push you to become all the God meant you to be.

(p.s. had to throw a couple of me on my wedding day. Such a wonderful gift to marry my best friend soul mate, reminds me of what matters in this life!)

Cabin Fever.

Normally I do pretty well in winter.
But right now, I am dying to get some sun!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I lived in Prescott some dear friends of mine from Oregon would fly down to Phoenix to escape the rain and stay at the Scottsdale resort. They would get a bigger room so I could have a bed and I would drive down and meet them. For two days I would get to lie in the sun by the pool in December, drinking strawberry smoothies, having lavish buffet breakfasts and eat salad on the patio....












My goodness what would I give to be swimming in a pool right now!!!
Sigh.
But Im thankful for BOGO culvers sundaes on really boring days. Where hubs and I get all bundled up for ice cream and a walk around the boardwalk.
Thankful for a home to call my own, and a job that will enable me to fund future vacations.
I am so ready for the summer, and will be ever more grateful for it this year after having survived another Minnesota winter!
I'm thinking a Mediterranean cruise sounds good for our two year anniversary and Noahs graduation...don't you?!?!

:)

notes on a midwife.

*Disclaimer* *I am rather passionate about this topic. Mostly because I am rather educated on this topic. As a result, I have an opinion about it. I realize opinion posts can come across as rather one-sided. For anyone interested in this topic I do have a side that I sit in, but I do try extremely hard to see both sides. As a result, if you choose to engage in a discussion about it I will not attempt to dissuade you, judge you, prove you wrong or tell you that you are wrong. I will simply tell you why I feel they way I do, based on the information I have. As with all opinions, we can gather new information and change our minds. However on this topic I doubt I will :) *

One of my patients the other day asked what the difference was between a nurse-midwife and a doula.
Inside I kind of laughed. And then I felt sad because I'm sure a lot of women don't know. I'm sure that's why they choose lay midwives who aren't trained in fetal resuscitation, obstructed birth, post-partum hemorrhage, shoulder dystocia and the myriad of other issues that brings home birth mothers into the hospital.
How can women give their baby the best chance at life if they don't even know the difference?
For your information...

A doula is somebody that may or may not have any formal training (and by training I mean a two week class). They are often women who have had children themselves, and take on a SUPPPORTIVE role in birth. They are not medical professionals, nor do they make or can contribute to making medical decisions. They are there to be an encouraging voice in natural labor, to hold hands, play music and massage feet.

And therin lies where the nurse-midwife comes in. A nurse-midwife is a health care professional who has first completed a bachelors of science in nursing degree. They then go on to obtain their Masters (and now Doctorate) in Advanced Nurse Practice in Nurse Midwifery. They take a national exam to be certified. They are overseen by a professional nursing board. They are autonomous practitioners with a minimum of 6 years education. They have performed observed births, taken pharmacology classes and understand how to manage complicated labors. They are the guardians of natural birth. They are legally allowed to deliver in hospitals, own their own clinic and see patients on their own. They can also prescribe.

Obstetricians are medical doctors. They have a four year undergraduate degree, a four year masters degree in medicine, and a four year residency in obstetrics and gynecology. They are primary care providers for women in both before, during and after pregnancy as well as surgeons. OBGYN's are famous for C-sections, but they also do a variety of other gynecological surgeries. These providers are guardians of complicated births. Midwives turn over their patients to doctors when they are older mothers, have co-morbidities like diabetes, hypertension, heart disorders and pregnancy complications like placenta previa and abruptio and fetal abnormalities. OB docs are highly trained and specialized. Many women are wary of them because they think they are out to pull you into a c-section. While some OB docs definitely do abuse c-sections as an easy way out, c-sections are necessary in about 8% of births (statistically speaking). 8 in every 1,000 women will have complications that will warrant surgical intervention.

Lay midwives (who rarely call themselves that) do not necessarily have any formal medical training, and tell women that they can deliver their babies. They have to do this at home or in personal birthing centers because they cannot legally do so in a hospital setting. It is my understanding that lay midwives are the most associated midwives with complications (maternal and fetal death). For the life of me I could never understand how somebody without adequate training (shadowing just isn't enough people) could put themselves in a place where they are setting themselves up to fail. I could never promise to do something that I was not 100% sure I could do as safely as possible. While I am a nurse, and have been trained how to do an emergency birth ('catch the baby') and have labor and delivery experience I would never go to another country or home town and say that I could deliver babies. Heck no! If something happened to a mother or baby because of me, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I would have known that I did not have the adequate training.

I am pretty passionate about the role of nurse-midwives (CNM's). I think it is a more holisitc way of managing labor (for low-risk, young women). They have equal outcomes to OBGYN's. Hopefully in the future when I am in OB doc I can be a positive voice for this profession, committing to be a back-up doctor for CNM's to whom they can call for support and advice.

I will, however, remain strongly assertive against lay midwives. Obviously I believe in personal choice. When women make informed decisions to chose lay midwives, more power to them. I am not say all lay midwives are bad. They are just a few rotten ones out there. My issue is when women are placing the health and safety of themselves and their infants into the hands of someone who has not been upfront about their training and abilities.

Personally I would choose to place the life, health and safety of my baby as my top priority, not my birth experience. I believe having a positive birth experience is possible in the hospital, which is great because its also the safest place for your baby to be if something goes wrong. I know that deep down inside if I lost my baby because I gave birth to it in the way I wanted (i.e. at home, unassisted, in a rural area etc) and something happened to my baby, I would be so, so gutted at myself. But I realize some women want a birth experience that is different. That is fine. We all live with our choices in the end!

I love this topic and willing to discuss it with anyone!

Moral busybodies!!!

"Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victim may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated, but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." -- C. S. Lewis.

Moral busybodies:
- people who vehemently believe in their own choices, and so take it upon themselves to tell you that you are wrong like

vaccines are bad
giving birth in a hospital is dangerous
feeding your child formula is evil
being a working mom means your children will end up in jail

While I plan on breastfeeding, co-sleeping and peaceful parenting I also plan on working, vaccinating my children and giving birth in a hospital. I come from a mix of two worlds. This is whats right for me. Why can't people just be ok with whats right for them???? why force everyone else to believe it too?!?!?!

I'm a lame blogger.

Ok so my blogging has been non-existant lately. Mostly because my whole entire life right now, outside of work, is study!!!!!!
So I'm going to be lame and do the month in review!


{Beautiful Pearl and Diamond earrings from Hubs}


{Valentines Day kisses!!}


{I'm now a platinum blonde!!!}


{Home-made pumpkin whoopie pies...so delish!!!}


Other Fun stuff not documented:
-- I am sick today and Noah came home with saltines, diet 7up and my favorite chick flicks. He is so good to me (he also held my hair while I was puking into the toilet, then rubbed my back for twenty minutes. I am so blessed.)

-- we have had a fun two weeks of dates as I have been studying at the University library while he studies. We have lunch together each time! so far we have had chipotle, chinese, greek and brueggers bagels. Love seeing this man every day!

-- For valentines day he took me out to my favorite organic restaraunt, where I had a delish breakfast, then we went to the movies to see the vow.... I had roses, caramels and beautiful pearl earrings awaiting me at home!!

Am I married to the most romantic guy or what?!?!

weekend love.

Its Monday. Blah. Another week of working and studying that darn physics.
But I'm entering it refreshed, thanks to a wonderful weekend.

On friday we had a movie marathon that we have been meaning to do for a while...five redboxes...a chick flick, action, drama, comedy...and one more drama :) we watched one while cuddling in bed, then hung out together on our comfy red couch while eating popcorn and chilli frito pie.

Saturday we had a good sleep in and had a heart to heart over coffee. We then enjoyed a buy one get one free culvers frozen custard sundae, after some hard core study at the kitchen table (Noah on his Fundamentals of Engineering Exam, and me for my Graduate School entrance exam...why is advancing yourself so darn hard sometimes?!?!).

Sunday we had a date at the original pancake house where we enjoyed some more conversation over some ridiculously good food (after an hour wait to get seated!!). After, we peeked through the sparkles at the Tiffany & Co that was next door, and talked about how many hungry children in Africa we could feed with just one of those rings. (so glad we think alike like that, like values are important in marriage peeps!)

Then we came home and made pumpkin whoopie pies for a sunday night game night with a few other married couples.
Noah made the icing while I made the batter. We tend to do everything together.

Some of the things we talked about this weekend involved fears (about study, the future), kiddos (when do we want them? who will stay home? where should we live?), giggles about how much we would love a housekeeper to do that darn laundry (maybe some day...), when we will go overseas (for missions & to enjoy the wonderful food in Italy) and much more. I love talking about dreams with hubs. We talked about how this is IT - we are living our lives now, and aren't getting any younger. We talked about how we needed to live our lives to the fullest. We are in our prime!

We both don't know what the future holds, but we know that as we continue to trust in the Lord and his goodness, it will be good. Maybe not easy and free of pain & struggles, but good (and hopefully a trip to Italy, healthy babies, our own house, careers that contribute to society and relationships with eachother and Jesus that inspire...to name just a few!!).

Hopes for 2012.

2012. Can you believe its here? It came here so fast. At the change of the year I always find myself reflecting on my life and revel at the goodness that flows out of it. I don't know if other people did this, but as a kid I thought a lot about what my life would be as a grown up, in my mid-twenties. I even wrote letters to myself, that I had to open later...on my 19th, 21st, 28th and 30th birthdays. Whenever I open one, I laugh at the things that consumed my life as 14, 15 and 17 year old. Isn't it amazing how life changes you? how the people you meet leave an indelible mark?

I was talking with Janet (my awesome therapist mom-in-love) about some of the hard steps I was taking this year to further my dreams and education. I have to take a pretty scary exam, that I feel totally unprepared for. I fear failing it, and the humiliation that it could bring. I also fear succeeding, and all the change that that could bring. Silly huh?

Our conversation brought up two things.

1) Not many people take risks and do the really tough, scary things in life. People who do ( like mwa) need to be encouraged that we are doing something that is challenging and will move us forward. Character and beauty is not shaped by taking the easy, predictable road. We have to have the courage to face the fear, and overcome. Then we will have something to say, to offer people and to inspire.

2) Saying goodbye and making a change involves sadness. Its just a part of life. Sadness will flavor your life, and be an underbelly to the changes that take part in it. Jesus never promised their wouldn't be grief or sadness. But he promised goodness. And peace. When we have to let go of the people we love, we leave pieces of our hearts with them (well, at least I do). There are some days that I am just sick of saying goodbye. When you have precious, treasured people in all parts of the world you constantly feel pulled in a million directions. Sometimes I just want to stay put and never leave, because then I won't have the pain of saying goodbye & those familiar feelings of loss and grief. Thinking about them freezes me up inside. I am cognizant of the fact that I am missing out on memories and the lives of those precious ones. Of the 50th birthdays. The Christmas tree decorating. The lessons learned from marriage. The graduations and weddings. I fear people moving on without me. That when we do reconnect, there will be a void....a nameless distance between us.
C.S. Lewis wrote that "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
Good thing perfect love casts out fear.

...Now to work on the perfect love part.

Janet always encourages me to continue to take steps to be the person I want to be. Beyond being 'who I am', what is the type of person I want to be? Do I want to speak words out of love, and not anger/jealously/resentment/bitterness/fear? Do I want to be brave, and not aim for the mediocre? When I face a choice in my marriage to make a fuss about something small, do I remind myself that I want to be a grace-filled and merciful woman?

In the year 2012 I want to keep taking steps to be the person I want to be. To be Courageous. Empowering. Loving. Graceful. Humble. Creative. Soft Spoken. Motivated. Loving.

I want to add beauty to the lives of my family, friends and husband. In whatever shape beauty can take.

Secretly I hope to get into medical school too. I also hope to have the ability to let that go, and embrace what else God has planned if that doesn't work out.

On a more practical note, meal planning, card making, cupcake cooking, love life spicing and date creating are on the list too :) Henri Nouwen also is taking a front seat on my reading list as 'Wounded Healer' and Christian Leadership are on my drawers, next to my bed.

As such, I leave you with some of his words. May you remember who is the Catcher, and may this year teach you new lessons in reaching out and trusting Him. He will grab you, I promise.



"The Flying Rodleighs are trapeze artists who perform in the German circus Simoneit-Barum. When the circus came to Freiburg two years ago, my friends Franz and Reny invited me and my father to see the show. I will never forget how enraptured I became when I first saw the Rodleighs move through the air, flying and catching as elegant dancers. The next day, I returned to the circus to see them again and introduced myself to them as one of their great fans. They invited me to attend their practice sessions, gave me free tickets, asked me to dinner, and suggested I travel with them for a week in the near future. I did, and we became good friends.

"One day, I was sitting with Rodleigh, the leader of the troupe, in his caravan, talking about flying. He said, 'As a flyer, I must have complete trust in my catcher. The public might think that I am the great star of the trapeze, but the real star is Joe, my catcher. He has to be there for me with split-second precision and grab me out of the air as I come to him in the long jump.' 'How does it work?' I asked. 'The secret,' Rodleigh said, 'is that the flyer does nothing and the catcher does everything. When I fly to Joe, I have simply to stretch out my arms and hands and wait for him to catch me and pull me safely over the apron behind the catchbar.'

" 'You do nothing!' I said, surprised. 'Nothing,' Rodleigh repeated. 'The worst thing the flyer can do is to try to catch the catcher. I am not supposed to catch Joe. It's Joe's task to catch me. If I grabbed Joe's wrists, I might break them, or he might break mine, and that would be the end for both of us. A flyer must fly, and a catcher must catch, and the flyer must trust, with outstretched arms, that his catcher will be there for him.'

"When Rodleigh said this with so much conviction, the words of Jesus flashed through my mind: 'Father into your hands I commend my Spirit.' Dying is trusting in the catcher. To care for the dying is to say, 'Don't be afraid. Remember that you are the beloved child of God. He will be there when you make your long jump. Don't try to grab him; he will grab you. Just stretch out your arms and hands and trust, trust, trust."