God's been working on my heart a lot lately. On some not so wonderful things. I've had to face up to some insecurities in my life that have caused me to be negative and bitter. To be honest, I've had some insecurity my whole life. It comes with the crazy instability of moving countries three times, starting new schools and being teased in {a christian & private} junior high. It also comes from the fact that I have a hypersensitive disposition. I feel everything. As Beth Moore describes it (a fellow hypersensitive sister in Christ), most of the time my emotional nerve endings are exposed like live wires. My joys are high and my sorrows deep. I cry at airports when I see others say hello and goodbye, and cry for my patients. I cry when dogs die in movies. I have a tender heart. But it means it leads me to feel more than I should.
My pride has also been eating at me lately. I am learning (painfully) that I can't make myself feel better about myself by feeling worse about others. I can't find security in superiority (like duh, shouldn't I know that by now?!?!)
Insecurity has made a fool out of me lately. I let it get in the way of friendships because I am jealous of their (seemingly) easy lives. They get to work part time, have money to travel, have family & lots of friends closeby, or have never dealt with deep grief. Its ridculous. Insecurity leaves me feeling overexposed, foolish, and like I have lost my dignity.
But I can be unsure without being insecure. I can be humbled without feeling insecure. I have the power to stop comparing my circumstances to others. I am clothed in strength and dignity. God is my vindicator and defender.
I am reading a book about a missionary doctor in Africa. She's amazing. She too struggled with pride and insecurity. I will share something that touched me. it might touch you too.
""The first major "cost" that I had encountered in seeking to love God with all my heart was in the giving up of my pride - pride of nationality, pride of education, pride of natural abilities. God has continually to break me on each of these. They get in the way of love, real outgoing love. Then he has to deal with my self - self-reliance, self justification, self-pity. These too hinder the free flow of His love. Step by step, as God deals with my pride and the insidious love of self, He can take my heart and truly love others though it.
To love God with all my heart, is to give HIm my heart, that He may fill it and overflow it with His own self-giving love for all among whom He sends me to live."
No comments:
Post a Comment