Sometimes life gets me down.
Ridculous I know, I have so many things to be thankful for.
But I forget about being grateful and have moments (ummm, sometimes hours) of I guess in all honesty would be resentment. I get resentful that my hubs has to spend soooo much time in the lab getting his data for his research. I get resentful that we are paying off student loans when others had it all paid for. Sometimes I get resentful that Noah and I are working hard to get degrees that provide us with work to support our dreams of doing missions work, when others don't make sacrifices to build skills that lead to employment and just expect to 'raise' their money for mission trips and ministry. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about giving. I just personally would want people's money actually going to the people I am serving, not to my phone bill, plane flight, food and loan payments. But that's our conviction, and if people take it up with the Lord and they are fine having people pay for those things that is wonderful too. But it is hard for me sometimes. We would love to be heading overseas soon, but we feel strongly about needing to be self-funded. We also feel its where the Lord is leading us, and how he wants to steward our gifts and finances. He has a different plan for everyone, I just have to remind myself of that on the hard days :)
I get resentful that we live in a (TINY) one bedroom apartment, while so many of our friends are starting to buy their own homes. Its especially painful because I LOVE hospitality, and know so many people with big homes who don't even have people over. How I would fill an extra bedroom or two with guests and friends (and lavender sachets on the beds, with welcome baskets....one day!)
I get resentful that other people just have their life all set out. I on the otherhand am constantly trying to decide where God is taking my future - midwifery?medicine? advanced nurse practice?public health? medicine?....then it repeats :) how can I stay home as much as I want? how can I have a profession too? do I want to be in school four more years? do I just want a baby now? will I be ok waiting til I am 28 to have a baby? I really want to be a doctor, can we pull it off? seriously folks, I think about these things at least once a day. on days off, definitely a lot more. I have a 28 page journal document on my laptop that has thoughts on all these issues (that I have been writing for over a year). You have probably figured out by now decisions are hard for me!! whats worse my husband is incredibly supportive and wants me to do whatever my heart desires, oh dear!! Something I am learning is that God's will for us is kinda like a playground. The fence around the playground are his principles - give to and love the widows and orphans, preach the good news, love others, love Me...and if we choose to do that by being on the swings (teacher), slide (doctor), monkeybars (electrician), see-saw (stay at home mom) then we are in his 'will'. For some people there may be a clear calling/direction - but if you think about it only a few people in the Bible were told what to do with their lives - Moses, Paul, Jeremiah (and a few others). I don't think we have to have God audibly tell us what to do with our lives. For me personally, God uses peace to speak to me. I feel very at peace about some decisions, and not others. And I know its the Holy Spirit speaking to me. Jesus is after all the "Prince of Peace."
So right now I am seeking peace about my decision, and I think I am finally able to decide :)
oh and yeah, sometimes I get resentful of not being able to have a baby yet. sigh.
But then when I get all those icky thoughts out, God is quick to set me straight by reminding me that He is always with me. That He has blessed me. He knows my plan and it IS for good. It might not be exactly as I want it to be, which is why I love this quote:
"He answered prayer - not in the way I sought
Nor in the way I thought He ought;
But in His own good way; and I could see
He answered in the fashion best for me."
I have to put all this sillyness behind me, and just catch those thoughts before they affect my emotions. Because I AM blessed. And God's plan for me already has been SO SO good, I just can't wait for what the future holds....
goodbye insecurity & resentment, you have been a bad friend to me!!
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