Aotearoa

Well, I'm back home in New Zealand. Did you know the Maori word for New Zealand is Aotearoa? It means land of the long white cloud. New Zealand always has these big beautiful clouds over it because of the ocean winds, its ethreal.
Goodness, its so good to be home. The wonderful fresh air, all of the plants and shrubbery, the rolling green hills and of course the ocean. oh the ocean. how it brings peace to my soul.
I just love kiwi culture. I love that is centered around people, and a cup of hot tea. As soon as I landed I had friends ringing who wanted to pop by. How I have missed people popping by....its so un-american. I don't have to pencil everyone in three weeks in advance. They want to see me, now, and I'm so cool with that.
We drove down to Hamilton where laura {awesome sister} goes to university, to help her get ready for a ball tonight. After she left mum and I sat in the living room of her house, while her flat mates just wanted to get to know me better....over a cup of tea ofcourse. They wanted us to stay for dinner, and stay the night too if needed. So awesome. I secretly love that the women and girls here aren't covered in makeup. I love that they wear jeans and sweaters to family functions. Everyone is so authentic, real and down to earth. its so refreshing. sigh.
how my heart longs to be back. I went house hunting with my best friend and her hubby yesterday, and I am so incredibly excited for them. I can't wait for it to be our turn - someday!!
I was thinking today about how I could describe New Zealand and its people, to non-kiwis. I really can't think of the words. But its magical. I remember after our wedding, all of our foreign guests just raved about their time, and how hospitable everyone was. I didn't have a single person not say to me that they wanted to live here one day. It does that too you...gets into your blood.
I feel like I can be ME here....unabashed, mess and all. I love that I could have a messy house, and have people over....does anyone else get a little bit sick of keeping up the image of perfection in America (and elsewhere?!). I do. I feel like I have to be martha stewart sometimes...with nice clothes, a manicured front lawn, and the latest STUFF. Don't forget the HUGE diamond you have to have on your left hand. Can't live without that.
I really am not trying to bash the states, I do love it - truly. But there are some things about some of the culture that drives me nuts. And being home makes it all the more blatant.
So I have two wonderful weeks to let my hair down, soak in the love and hospitality and put my makeup bag away. And to enjoy copious cups of tea with people I love and treasure. Who, best of all, make the time for me.
Thank you Lord for this rest, you are so Faithful.

I love my husband.

Ok, so I sometimes have a hard time being all gushy and romantic on the web because a) I don't want to hurt singles b) I don't want to appear fake or attention seeking c) my love for noah is legit and doesn't need facebook or my blog to go to bat for it.BUT My wonderful friend Nicole is committed to end spouse-bashing on the web, and create a "love-bashing" of our husbands (or so she calls it!). So, my beloved Noah, how do I love thee? let me count the ways....
- I love that you love me, even when I am stressed out/freaking out/psyched out
- Your love for me is such a picture of God's love for me, because it is sacrificial, grace filled, honoring and merciful.
- I love that you cry with me when we watch sappy movies
- (on that note) I love how you know when I am ABOUT to start crying, so you pull me close to you and kiss my forehead
- I love that you share all things with me, and that we have no secrets
- I love that you want to be the very best husband you can be
- I love that you love my dreams, and are committed to seeing them come true, even when I start to give up
- I love that you want to share parenting, so I can work if I need to, and aren't obssessed with your career
- I love watching you work on yourself, as you try to become more like Jesus
- I love that you buy me bags of fair trade coffee when away on your trips
- I love that you make the bed everyone morning with me, and keep the house tidy even when I'm away, because you love me
- I love that I can trust you, and never ever doubt you
- I love how you stand up for me, and are strong for me when I am so, so weak
- I love your heart for others & the poor, and love that I can partner with you in dreaming about missions
- I admire you, respect you, love you (ofcourse!) and am inspired by your faithfullness, patience and goodness.
- I love that you push me to exercise....its so good for me, but how I hate it..
- I love that you want to spoil me, and boy you do a good job at it!
- I love your face, and love falling asleep to it and waking up to it
- I love our life together, and couldn't have even dreamed up a better one. You are my soul mate, I will love you all the days of my life.

ramblings from a sleep deprived mind

Its quite late in New Zealand right now, and I have been up for approximately 36 hours with only a 4 hour nap on the plane....so I am definitely not as sharp as I could be. But my awesome husband couldn't come with me on this trip, so my keyboard will have to be my processing forum for this trip (since its 5am his time). I have been in New Zealand about ten hours right now. I am sitting on my old bed, in my old bedroom, in the house I grew up in. I grew up in this room. Cried and laughed in this room. Left this house in a beautiful white dress to go marry the man of my dreams.
Its kinda strange being back.
I have so, so many thoughts. Firstly, what a privileged life I live. I am a citizen of two countries, and have beautiful friendships in both places. I am an international, and have a global worldview as a result. I have so many amazing opportunities because of my unique life...but I also don't live a life like many other people. Not many people know that pains of a life filled with goodbyes. Not many people have flown internationally every single year of their life. Not many people skype on a daily basis. I live a pretty incredibly full life. My weekends aren't spent eating icecream, watching movies, scouring blog sites and blogging (I think I would like that...I blog like once every 6 months...but I would probably get bored with the predictability). No, I spend my weekends doing school work, or at work (every other...the joys of being a nurse!). The precious free time I do have is spent with hubs, talking/catching up and just enjoying each others company.
Sometimes I wonder if my life is behind everyone elses...ya know, we won't be having kids for a while, buying a house is at least 7 years away, and I still have a longing for graduate school. A lot of my friends seem to be moving way faster than me.
But ya know what, our life isn't like everyone elses. We are called to different things. A tough calling, but its ours. I think in the end, even though it is difficult, the growth it will bring will be awesome....I also think Noah and I will have a deeper relationship than maybe some other people would have, because of the mountains and valleys we endured.
On that note, even though it is so hard sometimes because we dont have a lot of community and friends, a mentor of mine the other day told me she though that this time we have together is super special, and that we should feel super blessed that we are in a situation where we can just pour into eachother because we don't have a lot of family & friend commitments. She thought that maybe God has a busy season ahead for us, and he is blessing us with this time now because he knows time may be harder to find in the future. It was such a good 'perspective' moment for me. I need to be content with where God has us, even though it may not look like what I wanted or dreamed it would look like. Because its even better than I could imagine because God sees so much more of the picture than I do.
I have to admit though, its tough to be here in a sense. I have so many people in Auckland who know me, love me, have a history and root system with me....we are connected by memories and experiences that span my childhood. My dad is a pastor so I have a whole church body I am close to. My life was filled with people coming into our home, as my parents are hugely gifted in hospitality. I am used to a life with a thriving community. I don't have that in Minnesota. I don't even know what that looks like for me as wife, and for us as a married couple, because we just haven't been connected into that type of fellowship. Being back makes me want it so bad. I just want to pack up and move here as soon as we can next year. But then would that be right? we shouldnt move just for people right? but God designed us for community? Do we suck it up a little more and be in Australia for grad school? do we come back to NZ instead? decisions, decisions. more like praying for leading. praying for leading.
I know it is in our future though. We feel the call back to New Zealand. Maybe thats why God wants us to enjoy our time together now, because he knows how full our life will be in NZ. Maybe, just maybe.
sorry for the ramble...going to bed now....zzz

A simple life?

My thoughts aren't really happy and shiny today. But I need to get them out. For anyone reading this, this isn't meant at anyone directly. Nobody has failed me as a friend. We are who we are, and God directs us all differently. But sometimes I feel really different. I wish I knew someone who was like me, who could encourage me in my path in the ways I didn't know needed encouraging. I think we all have a desire to be known, that somebody out there in the world understands those deep down feelings, the ones that we often can't put into words but so strongly direct us. I have an amazing husband who thankfully is wired very similarly to me....but not exactly. He is a scientist, and his heart beats for getting people clean water and building new infrastructure in developing countries. So, so cool I know - but I wouldn't say he passionately desires to see women be free from morbidities associated from obstetric complications. :)
I am a third culture kid. I have moved countries three times, and have friendships and family flung thousands of miles away. I live far, far away from my family and connected community. I know that heart wrenching pain of saying goodbye, and not knowing when the next hello will be again. My parents were missionaries, as were their parents. I grew up around transient people, whose stories ignited a fire deep within me for the broken, lost and marginalized. I can't fathom living in one place more than ten years - the thought just isn't appealing. I see the world with such different eyes, because I have heard and seen things many people here haven't heard and seen. Life has had really difficult moments for me, in which I have had to deal with decisions and loss alone, as I was far away from loved ones and trusted mentors. I want so much more than to just have a house, a dog and three kids with summers spent at the lake. My dream is to tread into the rural foothills of Nepal, and the jungles of South America, and teach women how to manage labor and deal with complications when they arise. I want to establish programs that encourage breastfeeding, and improve maternal and perinatal health outcomes. I want children too, but I imagine them coming along with me to home visits, and being part of our journey. I see Auckland as our home base, but I know we will be gone frequently as we leave pieces of our hearts in far away corners of the world. These are the dreams I so long to share with a friend who understands. I have lots of beautiful and wonderful girlfriends who encourage me, but none whose hearts beat for the same things. Some just truly want to settle in one place. Go them, I just can't relate. I would love to discuss the WHO's millennium goals with a friend, and brainstorm ways in which we could contribute to their initiatives - or create one's of our own. I am sure once I move more into the area I will meet like-minded people, it would just be nice right now while I am in the decision making process to discuss some of these thoughts!!! Noah has been just amazing...even though I talk about the same things over and over he still listens and asks questions and is willing to discuss everything (even though the outcomes are never different, haha!). I am so glad he understands my heart, and knows how difficult and isolating it can be to be counter-cultural.
So many people I meet are simple...not that that is bad in any way, but our worlds are just so different. I often get, "wow, you have done so much for someone your age...I have never even been outside of Minnesota". During lunch breaks at work, we just talk about what happened during the weekend with the kids, and upcoming vacation plans to Disneyland. These women are amazing and incredible nurses, but this is their life. It is so different to mine. Sometimes its isolating. But, I have a heritage that brings isolation. My parents named me for Amy Carmichael - an English women who spent her life in India, rescuing girls who were given to be temple prostitutes. Her writings talk about feelings of isolation, but she lived a life of fullness. Maybe I will never have a friend exactly like me - thats ok. I have a Father who has placed those dreams in my heart, and He knows. He understands. I can rest in that.

tran·si·tion

"I will give you hidden treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." Isaiah 45:3 I love this verse because it shows how God has gone before us and in every dark moment or painful circumstance has buried a treasure or stored a secret. The only way we can find the treasure or learn the secret is to pass through that darkness. Some things cannot be learned in the light.


This concept is something I have come to understand more and more in the past few weeks. Moving to Minnesota has been very hard on me, and I have gone through a grieving process....grieving my loss of culture, community, family and familiarity. However, as I have processed this grief and pain, I am grasping the treasures and secrets God has stored for me - treasures I could have only have found after passing through the darkness.

I know there is darkness ahead, and as a result more secrets to be found, but here are a few I have unearthed in this process.


1) Normal


The other day I was talking with a friend and she paused for a moment and said to me, " Amy, you are going through your worst nightmare. You have few who mean anything to you and who care. You are going through a painful journey. That needs to be validated. This is hard, and what you are experiencing is normal of anyone who has done what you are doing." I pretty much just broke down in tears. It was the first time I realized that I wasn't crazy, weak or pathetic. Other people who have had massive transition, had experienced the same thing. Realizing this, and allowing Gods grace to pour over me, really released the following four treasures to be unearthed. I know I am strong, but I can validate that my emotions and grief are real and ok - normal.

.....I have realized too that what I am learning enables me to one day have the capacity, compassion and insight to encourage someone going through a similar time. I have had loving and well-meant words of 'advice' from people, that has really wounded me. Not that they meant it at all, but their lack of experience and understanding further enforced my false beliefs that we were not in Gods will, that I was failing/weak that I was changing into a worse person. I am changing, but for the better. I will be a different person after this, and I hope to be!


2) Strength comes in the strive


Oswald Chambers wrote, "God does not give us overcoming life: He give us LIFE as we OVERCOME. The strain is the strength. If there is no strain, there is no strength. Are you asking God to give you life and liberty and joy? He cannot unless you accept the strain. Immediately when you face the strain you will get the strength!!"


Some days asking God for life and joy seems dumb. However, I realize when I ask for this I get strength to face the day (strain) which results in new found life and joy. I am discovering that contests like these are the ones that yield much fruit of character, and bring a deep sense that God can sustain us. I am working hard at gaining peace, I hope one day God will show me how to be at peace with myself, with him and with my role in the divine order of things. I tend to strive, and trust my own ability before God's.


3) Focusing on the day at hand


Anybody who knows me well knows I have dreams - lots of them! Dreams about where God is taking Noah and I, what my future holds, the difference I want to make in the world. However, some of these dreams (being in NZ, community, study etc) I was holding on to so tightly that it made my grief even harder to bear. All I could think about was that the next two years being here was going to be miserable. Something I have (and am) learning is to focus on THIS day.God gives us one day, and we follow the journey of that day. I may be missing the diamonds and treasures that God has in the day - through Noah, the staff I work with and the patients I care for on a daily basis. Being in tune to this helps give me purpose and meaning, in a time that feels meaningless. Noah reminded me the other day that I literally care for widows at my work. I would say that is purposeful :)

I may not be running my own NGO, saving babies in Africa, speaking in lectures and training up local midwives but I have realized even the smallest blessings to my patients - a five minute hand massage, listening to their concerns, crying with them and loving them - is meaningful and matters. I don't think Jesus measures us by the greatness of our actions, but by the ( ) of our hearts. And how we use the time and opportunities we are given (Thanks Monica).


4) Its hard, but that doesn't mean its wrong


My cousin Brennan shared this message with me from Dr. Michael Youssef (paraphrased.) Sometimes when God moves you through a door there is much adversity and so you think you are no longer in His will. You then pray for a door to be opened and He does and you move through and there is joy and order and so you now think you are in the middle of His will because things are going well.

However, God had to get your through the first door before the second, and that first door was His will. I do not know where this 'first door' will take me, but I know that it is preparing me for the second door - a different season. We are in Gods will for us, even though it is painful, heart wrenching and messy at times.


5) Marriage


Even though these past eight months have been hard, oh so hard, they have been fabulous for our marriage. Noah and I have seen each other in our worst, most vulnerable moments. Times of ugliness, flesh and selfishness. But that is the privilege and intimacy of marriage - I know Noah has seen me as raw as raw can be, and yet he has loved me, accepted me and encouraged me (and we are still married!) And I have done likewise for him. How beautiful is that? To be known, in all of ones weakness, by another and be loved. What a wonderful picture of Christs love and forgiveness for us. Nobody else in the world has seen me like Noah, and that has bonded us together in a special way. Moving to Minnesota, and my grief, has placed us in a pressure cooker of emotions and stress. By all means, we have not processed this perfectly and its been really stinking hard, but I am grateful for it. Noah has learned that he is not responsible for my happiness - my grief is not at him and he can't control it. All he can do is help me on my journey towards 'happiness.'


**Even if all I come out with is the ability to better relate to others in times of pain and transition, then I will be enormously better off. Its like our walks with Christ - We can believe so many things about God, that he loves us and forgives us. But the transformation comes in EXPERIENCING these things. If we do not truly know what it is to be loved and forgiven, we can never truly love and forgive others - in a way that is transformational. So it is with experiencing suffering, pain and huge transition.

A wounded heart

Not many people know this about me, you kind of have to be on the inner circle of my life to recognize it, but I have a secret love for infectious disease. Ever since I can remember I've loved learning about the plague, cholera, and yellow fever. The first time I was in a hospital when I was 6 I was hooked - to me it was a huge playground, filled with the promise of adventure. I loved taking the elevator to different floors, watching all the different kinds of people that were in them. My interest in medicine has never left me, however I am still surprised that I am lucky enough to be studying within the medical field. I have such a love for helping people, getting to love on them and take their pain away. Every day I step into the hospital I am filled with such joy that I get to learn and do the thing that I love. None of my fellow students know this, but on my lunch break I walk through the hallways were the hospice patients are, and I pray over each of the dying with a well of tears in my eyes (I'm surprised one of the nurses there hasn't called me in for a psych consult). I love to go and just sit with them and hold their hands. Each week one is gone, and the bed has been filled by another, but I am thankful that I was able to whisper a prayer for them and hold their hand before they left this earth.

I love when I make a crack into a patients stone heart. I had one older gentleman who was most disgruntled about being in the hospital and was most assuredly sceptical about what I was assessing on him. He tested me with questions, but I prevailed, and by the end of the day he didn't want any one else to care for him. I have to admit, I was proud of my accomplishment.

Although I don't have nearly the amount of years behind me as most nurses and doctors, I'm already starting to struggle with having a wounded heart. I am admittedly thin skinned, and those who know me well remind me I need to get a tougher skin if I'm going to survive. But I don't want to lose my ability to feel, and I DON'T want lose my tenderness. I'm reading a book called, " The woman with the worm in her head & other true stories of infectious disease" By Pamela Nagami, M.D. Its a book filled with clinical infectious disease cases, but Dr. Nagami paints these patients' stories with elegance and respect. Entwined among the stories is the story of Dr. Nagami herself, and her journey with a wounded heart. I've cried throughout this book - moved by the courage of the patients that she treated. I can't imagine how she must have felt actually working with them. This is a paragraph that she wrote that rang true for me. It is in regards to when she had to watch an abortion, and how it was then she discovered her wounded heart -

" Rabbi Yoshua ben Levi came upon Elijah the prophet.. He asked Elijah, "When will the messiah come?" Elijah replied, "Go and ask him yourself." "Where is he?" "Sitting at the gates of the city." "How shall I know him?" " He is sitting with the poor covered with wounds. The others unbind all their wounds at the same time and them bind them up again. But he unbinds one at a time and binds it up again, saying to himself, 'Perhaps I shall be needed: if so I must always be ready so as not to delay for a moment."

I still don't understand the purpose of the suffering I've seen, but I have come to believe that I'm supposed to witness it so I can help the next patient. When I was very young I fled the city gates but I didn't find the Messiah. I came back and learned and healed by wounding, which wounded me. Then one day, all alone in a room full of people, and under glaring lights, I caught a glimpse of God. And God, I saw, was suffering, too."

If you don't understand what she is saying, that's fine. Maybe it will mean something to you in the future, it touches me though and gives me hope.

For those of you who are still searching for direction, and your place in this world, I've come to discover that that information is already inside of you - part of who you are. I've discovered that we as sinful humans don't have the emotional capacity to be passionate about every injustice, to have our hearts break over every sadness and so God places specific passions in us. I started to pay attention to what made me really angry, really sad, really passionate. Some stories would cause my eyes to well up in tears, and others I would just walk away shaking my head. Why was that? What made those stories that made me cry special? Once I started to do that God started to reveal to me in specific ways my direction. Also, often times the things that we love and are good at are part of our "calling" ( I don't really like using that word, but for lack of another it will have to do) because we know that God is a GOOD God. I walk each day with hope for the future, excited at what is ahead of me. I pray that you do also. May you discover the passion within, and journey with your wounded heart.

Mexico...where my soul thrives, my heart aches, and my arms are full of orphans.

I have so many more photos. I posted two albums on facebook. These are a few of my favorite portraits of some of the girls. I had such an incredible time in Mexico, I really do leave my heart there every time. We put a new roof on a soup kitchen, painted a school, and did lots of jobs around the orphanage. I organized a girls event for the older orphan girls, where I rallied some friends and we washed these girls feet and gave them goody bags of hair stuff/chapstick/nail polish etc. I did health check ups on a few of the kids (mostly listened to lungs for asthma issues), spoke at the local church, learned how to make tamales from scratch (my favorite!), and most of all got to love on precious orphans. We had lots of crafts organized - beading, drawing, play dough aswell as flying RC planes, finding stars with telescopes, and dancing. I am looking forward to going on a medical trip in October, aswell as again next year. I am never more at peace than when I am sitting on the ground, holding orphans in my lap, whispering prayers over them as they sleep.